Bean’s List: 11-20 worst sports movies ever. (Monday, top 10)

The premise of this movie is that the kid breaks his arm only to have it come back stronger and better than ever.

 

Maybe we should try breaking the DVD a few times.

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8 Seconds… That’s exactly how long this lasted in my DVD player before I hit the eject button.   

Luke Perry finds out that working with 1200 pounds of angry beef is a whole lot easier than working with Shannon Doherty. 

 

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B-list actors playing B-list football players. Rob Schneider, Kathy Ireland, Sinbad, Jason Bateman, Scott Bakula… If you once had a hit TV show in the 1980’s, you had a spot in this movie. I think Gary Coleman and Alf had small cameos. How on Earth could this not be an instant classic?  

Any movie with Sinbad and that Huey Lewis-looking Quantum Leap dude is probably going to suck. Turns out, it did.

 

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If you can’t get a bunch of inner-city street thugs to respect a bumbling line screwing-up blonde from Laugh-In, who will they respect?   The Bean rented this DVD just for the deleted scenes.  Turns out black guys do love blondes. 

 

 

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Penny Hardaway, and the O’Neill brothers, (Shaquille and Ed)? No wonder the producers of Kazam were falling all over themselves to sign Shaq after this classic performance.  This movie is likely what made Nick Nolte hit the bottle. 

 

 

 

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You don’t have to wear the cardboard 3-D glasses to see how crappy this movie is.

The Bean realizes that this is not a sports movie. However any movie this horrible deserves to be on a bad movie list. Here’s the plot… After a Nantucket family endures two summers being terrorized by this fish, sheriff Brody’s sons decide to take a trip to Florida. What’s there waiting for them? The most grudge holding shark ever born. Good lord! You get the feeling that if they had gone to Omaha, Nebraska, this shark would have been behind the counter at the truckstop where they stopped for gas.

Alright. Back to the sports movies.

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Al Bundy’s second movie on the list.  Honey, I shrunk the budget.  Shot entirely in a small town, with B-list actors, Rick Moranis take a rag tag bunch of misfits to the championship game and beats the better team. The Bean loved this movie when they called it the Bad News Bears.

 

 

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Let me set the stage. Don Knotts (Barney Fife) coaches the NFL’s California ATOMS. Their star “player” is a soccer playing mule from Yugoslavia. Tom Bosley (Mr. Cunningham) and Tim Conway (uh, Tim Conway) then mulenaps GUS for a climatic scene just before the big game. Team owner Ed Asner (Lou Grant) loses his temper and yells at people alot while wearing those giant ties that he wore when he worked in Minnesota at that TV station.   

 

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I guess Hogan doesn’t know best. Hulk “Thunderlips” Hogan was such a big hit in his draw in Rocky III that he rode his on rhinestone encrusted capetails to movie stardom.   If the court really wanted to teach his kid a lesson, play this 24 hours a day in his cell.  He’ll never drive again. 

 

 

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Ex- QB and current FBI agent, Johnny Utah (Reeves) is sent undercover to foil a group of bank-robbing surfers headed by Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper before Hopper is able to put a bomb on a city bus and force Sandra Bullock to drive it to Indiana to blow up a high school boys basketball team, the same team Hackman and Hopper would be coaching against in the state finals.  

 Oh wait… Maybe that’s a different movie.

UT Crew Team Faces 1 Year Ban For Non-Conforming Watercraft

Knoxville Tn –  The University of Tennessee’s newly formed crew and rowing team has come under fire from the NCAA sanctions committee for allegedly entering a “non-conforming” water vessel in its most recent meet against Rice University. The boat titled “Corn Squeezins I” was met with a mix of shock and uncertainty by those in attendance and came under immediate protest by the Rice team. ” There was no way we were going to row against that monstrosity” said William Needham III, captain of the Rice squad. Most egregious of the cited violations was the 60 hp Briggs and Stratton outboard motor the Volunteers had rigged on the back which they had initially tried to conceal with a rain poncho. Inspectors also added a depth finder, live well, pop-up duck blind and other sport fishing equipment to the list of irregularities

While acceptable specifications may vary depending on which club is sanctioning the meet. It is universally agreed that most boats (referred to as shells) cannot exceed 1/8″ to 1/4″ thickness and should make use of no apparatus other than its occupants and their sculls (oars) to aid in moving the boat. “We like to allow for some design flexibility in the boats from time to time”, said Blaine Worthing, assoc. chair of the Collegiate Crew Assoc, the governing body of division I competitive rowing, “it allows the students to incorporate some ingenuity into the sport and adds to its beauty and complexity but the Tennessee crew team took a few too many liberties in this case”, he concluded.

“I think them boys was jes plain yella… truth be told” commented Lee Suggs, 8th year senior and captain of the Tennessee Team.” We no sooner pulled her off the flatbed and dropped er in then thay come a runnin and lookin around and acting all smarmy like….so we was like brang it on you yankee SOB’s…go git yer own motor and we gonna blow yalls doors off….these colors don’t run….”

Competitive rowing, while offered at the collegiate level since 1815, has been slow to catch on in the southeastern state schools where football and basketball are clearly the preferred spectator and participant sports in that region. “We definitely want to branch out to some of the lesser known but equally as important sports programs here at UT” said UT athletic Director Mike Hamilton,” we considered gymnastics and fencing but it was deemed to “wussified” by the majority of our invested alumni. Rowing just seemed like the most logical next best thing. After all most of these boys have been around the water most of their lives, whether it be rock skippin’, frog giggin’, rowin’, or just plain old wadin’ ……Git er dunnn!” Hamilton concluded.

In his follow up report to the NCAA, Worthing admitted that while the motor was the only piece of equipment that could reasonably give the UT team a decided advantage, the fishing equipment, igloo coolers, and diving board would have to be removed before they would be allowed to compete again.

 

 

 

 

DANICA PATRICK NO LONGER TRYING TO PUT ON HER MAKE-UP DURING RACES

(from the archives) MONTEGI, JAPAN – After becoming the first woman driver in history to win an IndyCar race, Danica Patrick spoke with reporters on the relief she felt and some of the measures she had taken to improve her overall driving performance.

“Oh. My. Gawd. This is sooo great!” said the obviously excited Patrick. “I feel so relieved its not even funny. I haven’t felt like this since I finally passed the parallel parking part of my driving test, after like, the third time. Whew!”

Patrick was asked if she had taken any steps to maybe improve her IndyCar racing ability. “Well, for one, I decided to quit trying to put on my mascara during the race; I figured I would just do it when the race was over” stated Patrick. “I also decided to quit focusing so hard while I’m driving; I just turned up the radio and started thinking about what I was going to where to the party tonight – then about halfway through the race, I realized I was doing really good and I started texting my BFF Candi and it was totally awesome! Wow!”

Patrick said that this historic event sets the tone for women drivers everywhere and that hopefully they will look at what she has accomplished and maybe become better drivers because of it – but ultimately, they’re still women drivers.

Lennox Lewis’ children missing; Mike Tyson brought in for questioning

London, England –  On Sunday, Officials from the London Police Department and Scotland Yard took Mike Tyson in for questioning in thedisappearance of the children of Lennox Lewis. Tyson was in town for a sports memorabilia show just three hours before the children were noticed missing.  

“Mr. Tyson is a person of interest due in large part to his statements previously made regarding Mr. Lennox and his children; stated Sir Brian Nelson, Assistant to the Minister of International Crimes Committed Against Royal Academy Athletes. Such statements as; “Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah! My main objective is to be professional but to kill him. I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.”

Calls to Don King were not immediately returned. 

BCS to simplify formula by drawing names from a hat

GREENSBORO, NC – Speaking via cell phone Monday morning, ACC commissioner and BCS chairman, John Swofford revealed that the Bowl Championship Series had come to a conclusion on a revolutionary new way to determine who would vie for the National Championship each year: the contenders would be drawn out of a hat.

“Many people have been complaining that the BCS and its computer-generated rankings are too convoluted and don’t always ensure the correct or premiere match-up for number 1” Swofford stated “We here at the Bowl Championship Series feel we have come up with a more precise way to determine the teams that will compete for a national title, and we feel it will be supported by every conference”.

When asked if a playoff system wouldn’t be a more viable option, Swofford replied, “A playoff isn’t really much of a solution; there are a lot of variables that it allows in, and a lot of good teams that may be left out. We’re confident that our new method will help reduce, if not eliminate, error from the equation and give all parties a fair and equal chance at success.  Of course, Notre Dame will have several names in the hat in order to ensure that they have the fairest chance of getting in the BCS mix. Honestly, we know people don’t want this decided on the field.”

With all 117 Division I-A schools eligible under the BCS’s new “formula”, it wouldn’t be unheard of to have a 2-10 UNLV squad going against a 1 -11 Temple team for the right to hoist the crystal football at the end of the season.

“Again, our new system has been put in place to bring about fairness, equality, and simplicity in college football, and we feel comfortable it will do so and hopefully put to rest the annual debate over the validity of the mind-boggling computer ratings”.

Developing… College presidents fighting over size, style, and color of hat used to draw teams

MAN CAUGHT LOITERING OUTSIDE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM EXPLAINS “IT’S OKAY– I USED TO BE A GYM TEACHER”

WICHITA, KS — Local authorities were notified Wednesday night after concerned parents became suspicious of a strange man hanging around outside the girls locker room at Central Junior High. Police detained and questioned 43-year-old Todd Dobson then forced him to leave the premises before he could even finish watching the 8th grade girls basketball game. “With my experience as a gym teacher, I just wanted to be sure that the girls were stretching out and taping up” said the concerned Dobson, “and that I had some Icy Hot, if they needed some Icy Hot — that’s all”. Dobson, who actually did have a tube of Icy Hot with him, currently works at Dick’s Sporting Goods. He has had two stints in the past in which he taught Physical Education. Both times he was dismissed from his position for undisclosed reasons. Police officer Mike Fina said that Dodson became very defensive during questioning. “He kept saying things like ‘If you were in my class, your ass would be running laps all day’ and ‘You see this whistle? This is my badge’”. But since Dobson had not broken any laws, the officers could only escort him away from scene. “If there was a law against ‘creepiness’, we would’ve taken him in” said Fina.

 –thesportsbean.com

Gus Frerotte admits to being mildly retarded

Minneapolis, MN – In an interview appearing Thursday in The Minneapolis Star Tribune, Minneapolis Vikings back-up quarterback Gus Frerotte said that he has known for quite some time that his mental abilities were far less than that of an average person.  Frerotte, who’s teammates have nicknamed him “Corky”, may be best remembered for slamming his head into a concrete wall for a touchdown celebration; where he sustained a concussion and sprained neck, says he’s not sure if he’s been mentally retarded from birth or if it was brought on by a lifelong series of poor decisions.

 

“My dad used to work in home remodeling, and at night I would sneak out to his workshop and drink paint” said Frerotte, “and when I was 14, me and some of the other 4th graders would play this game where I’d hit myself in the head with a baseball bat really hard, and then they would all laugh.”

 

Frerotte says he began to be suspicious while in college at the University of Tulsa, where he set several weight-room records, but that the coach said the records wouldn’t count because Frerotte possessed what he called “retard-strength”.

 

“I know that my mental handicap may never let me be as good as a Tavarius Jackson, but if I keep trying, I know I can be a really good quarterback someday”.

Ex-LB Ted Johnson says Bill Belichick has been hiding his car keys just to torment him

BOSTON , MA – Former New Englsnd Patriot linebacker Ted Johnson says that besides   forcing him to sustain concussion after concussion, head coach Bill Belichick has been sneaking into his house in the middle of the night and hiding his car keys.  And that this is being done only to confuse and torment the already confused and tormented ex-All Pro.

“The other morning I couldn’t find my keys anywhere!  Then my wife Sherry…or Susie… whatever her name is, says that my car is in the driveway idling and that I’m going to be late for therapy” stated the emotional Johnson, “I know he(Belichick) was behind it”.

Johnson says that in addition to the concussions and disappearing car keys, he also blames Belichick for his crystal meth habit, his having to repeat the 8^th grade, twice, at least 7 of his 9 cavities, making him count the rasins in his cereal, and for breaking Eight Bells’s ankles during the Kentucky Derby which in turn caused Johnson to lose upwards of about $14,000.

“I woke up on the bathroom floor the other day with a bottle of Xanax in my hand, except all the Xanax was gone” said Johnson, on the brink of tears, “what kind of man sneaks into someone’s house and steals their Xanax while they’re sleeping?  He’s a monster!”

Near the end of our interview, Johnson locked himself in the bathroom and began sobbing for 45 minutes before coming out in his underwear, saying that his clothes had been contaminated with Anthrax and that he was unable to locate his car keys.

Tomlinson, Urlacher Highlight USC’s Latest Recruiting Class

 From the ‘Bean’s archives

LOS ANGELES, CA – Wednesday was signing day for college football programs across the nation, and in what has become a yearly event, the University of Southern California brought the best haul as far as talent across the board.  Two of the more notable signees for Pete Carroll’s latest gold rush were San Diego ’s LaDanian Tomlinson and Chicago ’s Brian Urlacher.

“These two young men are a couple of the finest athletes at their position.  We feel very fortunate that they have decided to play football for the University of Southern California” said the always well-spoken Carroll.

In addition to the All-Pros, USC was able to land one of the nation’s best offensive linemen in New Orleans’ Jamaal Brown, as well as finishing strong and getting a late commitment from safety Sean Taylor out of Washington D.C.  Also, the Trojans signed some of the top high school players in the country.

When asked why they chose to play football for Southern Cal, both Tomlinson and Urlacher echoed the same sentiment, saying they wanted to go somewhere they knew they would compete against top talent and have an opportunity to win a championship each year. 

Despite the stellar recruiting job by Carroll and his staff, USC did miss out on one of the nation’s top QB prospects in Peyton Manning from Indianapolis.  Ultimately, Manning elected to stay closer to home and go with a team where he could step in and play immediately and not sit on the bench for 2 or 3 years.

Stuart Scott says “boo-yah” one too many times; Found stabbed in back with shiv

NEW YORK, NY – ESPN’s anchor Stuart Scott lie unconscious in a Manhattan hospital one day after a co-worker found him lying face-down in the men’s room following a broadcast of Sportscenter. Fellow anchor John Anderson said he was shocked initially but not surprised by the prison-style shanking, because Scott had recently ruffled some feathers by overusing his own catchphrase “boo-yah”.

“I won’t say I’m totally taken aback by this,” the composed Anderson stated, “Stuart had just finished that night’s show where he had said “boo-yah” about 57 times; 16 times during the Suns highlights alone.”

Understandably, Scott was not available for comment, though his family did release this statement.

“Though Stuart’s personal catchphrases tend to be stupid and annoying and bring much undesired malice toward his family, we are just thankful he was only stabbed and not prison-raped and left for dead like before. All of us really hate the Check if you’re bleeding, cause you just got tagged bit. Bet he won’t be using that much anymore”.

NYPD detective Arman Pantuso said they have several suspects currently but are still investigating. Pantuso said he did not believe the attack was premeditated but rather a crime of opportunity, as indicated by the plastic knife used as the weapon; the same sort of plastic knife that could be found in the break room just down the hall from the men’s room.

Buccaneers not as good as Madden 2007 would have you believe

From the Bean’s archives*

TAMPA, FL – When 19-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan Trey Whitten received Madden 2007 for his XBOX 360 in mid-September, the only thing he could think about was leading his team to the Super Bowl. With a seasoned gamer like Whitten behind the wireless controller, the Lombardi Trophy was only a dream season away.

After taking his beloved Bucs to an undefeated championship in just 3 short days, he knew the future only held great things for the actual Buccaneers.

“I was fired up. The Cadillac (running back Carnell Williams) was unstoppable, and our defense only gave up two touchdowns on the entire season, and that was on the All-Madden setting” said the disappointed Whitten.

But as the NFL season draws to a close, the 3 – 11 Buccaneers have been a bit less than “unstoppable”. Which came as a shock to many area gamers who had put their trust in the accuracy of the video game’s programming? Not that scores of Buc’s fans had hung their hopes on a video game, but certainly the power rating of 91 had Tampa Bay as one the forerunners for this seasons Super Bowl.

“I know nothing in life is for certain,” said area gamer DeShawn Fletcher “but there are some things you can count on, like the spin move, the hit stick, and the programmers getting each team’s power rating accurate”.

Despite the lofty expectations, the Buccaneers have struggled this season but sales for Madden 2007 have been terrific even though many fans feel they were misled.

Dickie V. wants to have T.O.’s baby

From the Bean’s archives*

DURHAM, NC — Two sophomores from Duke University said they overheard ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale tell fellow broadcaster Mike Patrick that he wanted to have Terrell Owens’ baby, during a Blue Devils game last week.

The Sigma Chi fraternity brothers, Michael Brayton and Trevor Roff, told thesportsbean.com that they have no doubt in what they heard; despite the fact that both were wearing a basketball on their head and/or that the inaudible conditions of Cameron Indoor Stadium could have distorted their eavesdropping.

“I know what I heard” proclaimed the standoffish Brayton “he was pretty much screaming it, “˜I WANT TO HAVE T.O.’S BABY, I’m surprised it wasn’t broadcast across the country”.

Both Brayton and Roff admitted to having several alcoholic beverages prior to game time, but in no way did that affect their ability to discern what other people may or may not have been saying and/or their decision making.

“I had no idea that Dickie V. was gay,” stated Roff, desperately in need of a comb and a shower, “but I heard him say ‘I WANT TO CHANGE DIAPERS LIKE A DANDY’, no doubt about it”.

When contacted, both Vitale and Patrick said that no such thing had been said during their broadcast and that the booze-fueled frat boys were either confused or just stupid. Terrell Owens was also reached and stated that this was the first he had heard of any such thing, but that he wouldn’t be against letting Vitale raise his children.  -Back to the ‘Bean