TENNESSEE VOLS CELEBRATE OPEN DATE SCRIMMAGE TOUCHDOWN

Knoxville, TN – Fans of the Tennessee Volunteers had plenty to celebrate Friday afternoon as Jonathan Crompton handed off to Montario Hardesty for an (eventual) touchdown in the 7th quarter of an

Give 'em 6! Finally.

intrasquad scrimmage.  Hardesty, who fumbled into the endzone didn’t celebrate too quickly as Sr. offensive lineman, Anthony Parker picked up the ball and rumbled 30 yards in the other direction before several receivers and a graduate assistant brought him down.  The touchdown was however, called good as line judge/receiver’s coach Latrell Scott indicated touchdown.  

“This is a big deal”, stated a still out of breath Hardesty. “Look out Kentucky, baby!  We’re ready!  We got nothing to lose.  You know… nothing but another conference game next week”

After the practice, Tennessee head coach, Phillip Fulmer in the last year of his five year extension (signed last summer), was all smiles.  “These men are winners.  We proved that this afternoon.  This was our first team defense out there.  I told these boys that we were going to stay out here until we scored and score we finally did.” 

Tennessee, (1-5 in conference) will travel to Kentucky to face the Wildcats next Saturday. 

T.O. HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO INFORM MEDIA THAT THEY ARE NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO HIM

IRVING, TX – On Monday, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens assembled reporters and various media members to chastise them on the coverage, or lack thereof, he has been getting.

 

“I shouldn’t have to do this” started the obviously irritated Owens.  “It’s really kind of embarrassing that you all have put me in this position” said the 6-time All-Pro. 

“I shouldn’t have to do shirtless sit-ups in my driveway or stage a fake suicide attempt anymore…I mean, for real, my fake suicide attempt was way better than Vince Young’s, but has anyone mentioned that?”

Owens continued on with a 9-minute diatribe that went something like this: “Blah, blah, blah…me, me, me…blah, blah…look at me, look at me”.

 

He also condemned the media over the amount of exposure that new teammate Adam ‘Pac-Man’ Jones is receiving, saying that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones “promised” that Pac-Man wouldn’t take any publicity away from Owens.  “He promised!” pouted Owens with his arms folded and bottom lip stuck out.

 

Before stomping away Owens said that if this downturn in public attention continued that he would be forced to fire his press secretary and that it would be all our fault and he also muttered something about changing his name to Terrell Ocho Uno.

Patrick Ewing files restraining order Against Jane Goodall

NEW YORK- On Wednesday, former New York Knicks All-Star Patrick Ewing filed for a restraining order against famed anthropologist and primatologist Jane Goodall. Ewing reported that Goodall has been stalking him for the past 6 weeks. Ewing said that he caught Goodall hiding in the bushes of his Connecticut home on Sunday, and that was the last straw. “I ran out back, waving my arms in the air and yelling” reported Ewing, “but she just averted eye contact and remained motionless”.

 

The ex-NBAer also reported that not only has she been at his residence, but that she has been following him around town as well. Said Ewing “I went to the Piggly Wiggly to grab a few things, and there she was, over in produce, squatted down beside the bananas, watching me and writing in her notebook”.  

Attempts to contact Goodall have been unsuccessful. Assistants at the Jane Goodall Institute for Wildlife Research stated that Dr. Goodall was away on a field study and wasn’t expected to return for a couple of weeks.

 

AL DAVIS, RAIDERS SEARCHING FOR SUCCESSOR TO NEXT HEAD COACH

OAKLAND, CA — Speaking via telephone, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis said now that former head coach Lane Kiffin is gone, he can focus on and looks forward to firing his replacement.

 

“The next man we bring in is going to have to be able to follow orders and do as he is told; like a good head coach should” stated Davis, ” He is going to have to understand that the direction he is being given is based more on senility rather than logic and sound thinking; and he will accept that implicitly.”

 

When asked if they were close to finding a replacement for Kiffin, Davis said ” We’ve got our eye on a couple of high school coaches in the bay area, as well as a soccer coach in Guatemala.”

 

Said Davis, ” Whomever it is, I look forward to bossing him around for the next 15 months or so before we have a ugly, bizarre, and very public separation.”

Oklahoma’s only black family happy to see NBA in Oklahoma City

Imagine seeing others like you only on TV.  That is what one family in Oklahoma faced everyday until Seattle’s NBA franchise relocated to the Sooner State .  “I could not be happier”; said an almost breathless Laquita Millwood. “I like Debbie and Sonja at work and all but sometimes, man, it’s just hard to listen to their stories about their kids soccer games, Tupperware, and camping trips. 

Not all however, share her enthusiasm.  Oklahoma City Mayor, Mick Cornett expressed reserve in a recent city council meeting when he pointed out that 12 black men moving to town would cause a 400% increase in the black population and that the area may not be ready for such a dramatic shift in demographics.

Season tickets are on sale now.

CDC close to declaring Romo-mania an epidemic

DALLAS, TX — In a statement released Tuesday, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said the current outbreak of what doctors are calling “Romo-mania” is close to reaching epidemic proportions in the Dallas area. In the past few weeks, hospitals across the Dallas metroplex and north Texas have shown a 78 percent increase in emergency room visits from patients showing signs and symptoms of the new malady.

“Romo-mania is a particularly unusual mental and emotional illness that may or may not have psychosomatic affects on its victims,” stated CDC spokesman Dr. Arman Pantuso, “people under its control often aren’t thinking clearly and talk of fantasy-like beliefs. The victim’s speech is also affected; they speak slowly and with an intolerable twang, they may also feel compelled to consume inordinate amounts of Shiner Bock beer and wear anything with a big blue star on it.”

Dr. Elizabeth Hernandez, director of emergency medicine at Baylor Medical Center in north Dallas, has reported that many patients have experienced a condition not dissimilar to that of Turret’s Syndrome.

“Several victims have been uncontrollably and unconsciously blurting out things” Dr. Hernandez said “HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!” and “SUPER BOWL, BABY!” seem to be some of the more common phrases being uttered”.

Currently the CDC is taking steps to be sure the outbreak is contained and wants area denizens to not be alarmed. They also recommend that those in the north Texas area try to abstain from eating red meat and watching Dallas Cowboy football games for the next couple of months.

JOSH HOWARD OFFICIALLY WITHDRAWS NAME FROM 2012 TEAM USA CONSIDERATION

DALLAS TX – Making his announcement via a friend’s cameraphone, Dallas Mavericks star Josh Howard said Wednesday that he would not be interested in playing for Team USA basketball in the 2012 Olympics should a position become available. 

 

Howard told his friend’s cameraphone, “I am grateful to this country and NBA for affording me the opportunity and lifestyle I currently enjoy.  But it is not in my best interest at this time to pursue position with Team USA.”

Looking back, Coker says Naked Picture of Donna Shalala Didn’t Motivate Team Like He Thought It Would

CORAL GABLES, FL — Over the summer, former Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker found himself watching several hours of basic cable television each day. It was during one of the three hundred and forty two different airings of the hit comedy “Major League” that Coker had his revelation. 

“I was sitting on my sofa, enjoying a delicious fruit smoothie from Orange Julius, thinking of ways to improve my team” recounted the personable yet unemployed Coker, “I thought to myself, if I put a life-sized cut-out of (Miami University president) Donna Shalala, in our locker room, and each week, if we won, we could peel away a layer of clothing, ultimately revealing Ms. Shalala in her birthday suit, that this would fire-up the boys making them want to go out and win games.” Which it didn’t.

Unfortunately, the cardboard likeness of Shalala had just the opposite effect. Many players stated that they had expressed to Coker the cut-out was making them feel uncomfortable and even ill on occasion, and some even suggested that if they won the game, layers of clothing could be put back on the already overexposed school president.

“Do you know how creepy it feels to have some half-naked old woman standing there, staring at you as you change your clothes?” asked the visibly shaken Hurricane quarterback Kyle Wright, “I do and all that cardboard cut-out did was make me revisit that horrible time in my life, each and every day.”

Others stated that the naked Shalala did indeed have on-the-field ramifications, just not quite how Coker had envisioned.

“I’d look up at the scoreboard and we would be ahead by two touchdowns,” remembered Miami lineman Antonio Reyes, “then I would imagine coach slowly peeling away another piece of clothing from that thing, all of the sudden, I became frightened.  I just didn’t feel like playing.  I’m not saying that I ever let a game get away on purpose but I sure didn’t do what I could to win it.”

“I just don”t get it” said Coker, “it worked so beautifully in the movie. I’m not sure what was missing”. 

One thing is for sure, the players haven’t be missing the naked Shalala in the locker room.

Jimmy Johnson’s hair doesn’t Impress Terry Bradshaw

NEW YORK, NY – Fox television’s NFL analyst Terry Bradshaw admitted this week that his colleague’s obsession with his own well-manicured coif is becoming quite annoying. Former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson’s perfectly placed head of hair was a staple during the early ‘90’s as he was winning games and Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. Now it’s just a nuisance.

“That guy spends more time on his hair then most women” said the agitated Bradshaw. “He has this little homo hairdresser that runs out during every commercial break and sprays White Rain all over his head and then pets it like it’s a freakin’ lapdog.”

Johnson has been known to try to intimidate others with his hair, especially those who are folliclely challenged.

“I hear him bossing around other bald guys in the office, but his helmet hair doesn’t impress me” stated Bradshaw. “This guys got a whole team of hair stylists following him around 24/7, it unbelievable”.

“All I need is Pro-Cuts every couple weeks, and I’m good to go” the excited Bradshaw continued “Pro-Cuts is where it’s at, my man! Woooooooooo!”

Just then, a shiny red ball bounced in front Bradshaw and he promptly jumped up and chased it out of sight.

Cuban Olympian confused, angry after defection to China

Ugás in the ring during the 2008 Olympics

Cuban boxer, Youdenis Ugas’ plan to defect from Cuba hit a snag on Monday as he learned that he had defected to a country with a similar communist government to his native Cuba. 

After years of training in the boxing ring as a way out of Cuba, Ugas has now found himself making SpongeBob dolls for K-Mart in the central China city of Chongqing as a government worker.      

“This thing, it is a terrible thing”; replied Ugas from his work encampment.  “I train my whole life for this and now, I make the SpongeBob thing.  What is this SpongeBob?  It wears a tie but is a sponge?  I can’t believe this!  What kind of *** damn deal I have now?”

In a letter to the Spanish language newspaper, Juventud Rebelde (Havana), Ugas wrote that he had heard from Castro’s radio speeches as a kid that China was a great place and that they had a great government but after two weeks without tortillas, and with 16 hour work days, he’s rethought this and is ready to get home to his south Cuba hut. 

An unnamed Cuban Olympian tells ESPN Deportes that; “Youdenis was excited about getting out.  He said that it was his big chance… it was all very exciting.  He’s no idiot though.  He said if China isn’t the paradise Castro said it was, North Korea was just over a fence.  He’ll be fine.

Worst College Football Helmet list (Part II)

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (10-1)

 

Thanks, Western Carolina!  Catwoman now has a hat! 

 

 

That smartass doctor on MASH really made a stupid looking helmet

 

 

 

Thanks to Bowling Green, enroll in free checking and get tickets to the Marshall game so… That’s cool, huh?

 

 

 

Warrensburgh, MO Pop: 874.  Saaaaaaalute! 

 

 

 

Give them the bird!  In the spirit of the unbridled success of the Arizona Cardinals, these schools have decided to pick up the mantle and dawn the chopped off bird head on the helmet look.  Real scary, boys.  **Side note. Apparently in Kentucky, the birds have more teeth than the residents. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arkansas St.  Hillbillies in the Mist.

 

 

WY did they do this? 

 

 

 

 

 

That creepy Grimmace looking mascot should have told us enough. The Bean’s concern here is of this helmet may cloud your view of just how stupid this helmet is.  Maybe they are throwing the “play under review” flag.  Maybe it was dreamed up in WKU’s psychology dept as a way of subliminally telling the opponent that “we are aware of the rules and we further know that we can demand a review of any of the several touchdowns that you are about to score”.

Time for TheSportsbean.com’s annual Worst College Football Helmet list! Weeeeeee!

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (11-20)

 

 

Don’t think FloJo designed these.  Very original, Nebraska.

 

 

 

 

 For more on Liberace and the University of Indiana please go to http://www.liberace.org/

 

 

 

 The Valley has gone to the cartoon dogs

 

   

EWWWWU!  All of the charm of the goofy Milwaukee Brewers “MB baseball glove” logo without Robin Yount.  Hey!  Eastern Washington!  You made top 20 list!  Oh, this list.  Nevermind.

 

 

 

 

 

  Nothing too fancy, boys

 

 

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Smurfs, rappers, and UNC.  Excellence.

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These cupcakes brethe fire!

 

 

 

 

 

Zippity Doo Da