Boca Raton, FL — Citing better food and less hastle in airports, Los Angeles Laker legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has seen the light a second time. 
In an exclusive interview with TheSportsbean.com, Jabbar (or “Goldie” as his friends call him) has made another life decision. He has put down the Koran and picked up a yarmulke with his new pursuit of Judaism. “I just wish I had done this before now, said a finally content Goldstein. “It stinks that my college career stats, my NBA stats and my homeowners association’s shuffleboard stats will all be under different names.”
- Goldstein in July 2008
Goldstein last changed his name after the 1971 NBA season to Jabbar from his previous Lew Alcindor claiming that his new name more closely identifies him with his new adherence to Islam. Goldstein’s new faith caused his latest change.
“I thought about converting to homosexuality like a lot of people in LA did in the 1980’s but then I started reading about what they have to do and thought, ‘good lord!’ that’s really selling out for your religion! I mean that’s really going all in. Mostly, I’m just glad to get to eat bacon again.” said Glodstein. When reminded that Jews don’t eat pork, an exasperated Goldstein threw his hands in the air and proclaimed; “Damn it! That’s was like half the reason I did it!”
The former Alcindor, who was raised Roman Catholic, feels confident that this will be his final conversion because quite simply, he is running out of religions.
12 Comments
July 22, 2008 at 8:49 pm
So isn’t Kareem now a Christian, Muslim and Jew? Karl Malone has nothing on him.
July 23, 2008 at 7:38 am
Not so fast, Clint. Before starting his own church, Malone was a Branch Davidian, Bahai, Mandaeanist, Buddhist, and Girl Scout. As he pointed out in his autobiography, I Think We’re Malone Now, he talked about how has prayed to Elvis, SpongeBob, and “The Dairy Queen” before big games.
July 23, 2008 at 7:42 am
Actually, Malone and Kareem have joined and been sprinkled into my religion…Assemblies of Druid (Reformed). We worship trees (and shrubs since we’re reformed), but do it charismatically.
July 23, 2008 at 7:46 am
Preposterous. We’re talking about Karl Malone praying to SpongeBob then you come along and make this thing ridiculous.
July 23, 2008 at 7:49 am
Sponge Bobism is not a real religion, its a cult. Everyone knows that Square Pants has multiple crustacians.
July 23, 2008 at 9:06 am
I hope Goldstein is happy with his newly converted religion. With any luck, the things he is used to being able to do such as pick up hookers on the strip, punch small babies in the face, and smoke crack will still be allowed in his new religion. Hats off to the interviewer from the bean that pointed out he can not have bacon.
We wouldn’t want him not being accepted into heaven on a technicality!
July 25, 2008 at 6:23 am
[...] didn’t cost $4.99 a minute Genius level commenter, Ick, continues his insistence that Stanley Goldstein loves him some punching small babies in the face. Something that made Mrs. Fullbug crack up as she read his comments [...]
August 16, 2008 at 1:28 am
He considered going homosexual???He is homosexual…that’s why he trolls the strip. Sadly he refuses to come out..he will lose that gloomy look of his once he does..just another sad little catholic boy..he should sue the church and be done with it. very sad man. Uses call girl services and is in many a little black book.
October 8, 2008 at 9:26 pm
[...] is the article that started all [...]
December 21, 2008 at 5:39 pm
Is this article for real? If so, I guess I have a new relative in my family.
Stanley Goldstein
Hillsdale, NJ
P.S. Some Jews eat pork . He can too if he wants to.
December 21, 2008 at 6:21 pm
I HAVE ONE BROTHER NAME STANLEY GOLDSTEIN AND NOW THERE IS A CLONE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. HOW LUCKY CAN ONE PERSON BE??
March 11, 2009 at 7:42 pm
[...] vouch to the truthfulness of the following comments, but I’d like to think that Susan and Stanley Goldstein share one thing in common, they both smoke crack! That is the only explanation for the thought that [...]