Monthly Archives: May 2008

Gus Frerotte admits to being mildly retarded

Minneapolis, MN – In an interview appearing Thursday in The Minneapolis Star Tribune, Minneapolis Vikings back-up quarterback Gus Frerotte said that he has known for quite some time that his mental abilities were far less than that of an average person.  Frerotte, who’s teammates have nicknamed him “Corky”, may be best remembered for slamming his head into a concrete wall for a touchdown celebration; where he sustained a concussion and sprained neck, says he’s not sure if he’s been mentally retarded from birth or if it was brought on by a lifelong series of poor decisions.

 

“My dad used to work in home remodeling, and at night I would sneak out to his workshop and drink paint” said Frerotte, “and when I was 14, me and some of the other 4th graders would play this game where I’d hit myself in the head with a baseball bat really hard, and then they would all laugh.”

 

Frerotte says he began to be suspicious while in college at the University of Tulsa, where he set several weight-room records, but that the coach said the records wouldn’t count because Frerotte possessed what he called “retard-strength”.

 

“I know that my mental handicap may never let me be as good as a Tavarius Jackson, but if I keep trying, I know I can be a really good quarterback someday”.

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Ex-LB Ted Johnson says Bill Belichick has been hiding his car keys just to torment him

BOSTON , MA – Former New Englsnd Patriot linebacker Ted Johnson says that besides   forcing him to sustain concussion after concussion, head coach Bill Belichick has been sneaking into his house in the middle of the night and hiding his car keys.  And that this is being done only to confuse and torment the already confused and tormented ex-All Pro.

“The other morning I couldn’t find my keys anywhere!  Then my wife Sherry…or Susie… whatever her name is, says that my car is in the driveway idling and that I’m going to be late for therapy” stated the emotional Johnson, “I know he(Belichick) was behind it”.

Johnson says that in addition to the concussions and disappearing car keys, he also blames Belichick for his crystal meth habit, his having to repeat the 8th grade, twice, at least 7 of his 9 cavities, making him count the rasins in his cereal, and for breaking Eight Bells’s ankles during the Kentucky Derby which in turn caused Johnson to lose upwards of about $14,000.

“I woke up on the bathroom floor the other day with a bottle of Xanax in my hand, except all the Xanax was gone” said Johnson, on the brink of tears, “what kind of man sneaks into someone’s house and steals their Xanax while they’re sleeping?  He’s a monster!”

Near the end of our interview, Johnson locked himself in the bathroom and began sobbing for 45 minutes before coming out in his underwear, saying that his clothes had been contaminated with Anthrax and that he was unable to locate his car keys.

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Tomlinson, Urlacher Highlight USC’s Latest Recruiting Class

 From the ‘Bean’s archives

LOS ANGELES, CA – Wednesday was signing day for college football programs across the nation, and in what has become a yearly event, the University of Southern California brought the best haul as far as talent across the board.  Two of the more notable signees for Pete Carroll’s latest gold rush were San Diego ’s LaDanian Tomlinson and Chicago ’s Brian Urlacher.

“These two young men are a couple of the finest athletes at their position.  We feel very fortunate that they have decided to play football for the University of Southern California” said the always well-spoken Carroll.

In addition to the All-Pros, USC was able to land one of the nation’s best offensive linemen in New Orleans’ Jamaal Brown, as well as finishing strong and getting a late commitment from safety Sean Taylor out of Washington D.C.  Also, the Trojans signed some of the top high school players in the country.

When asked why they chose to play football for Southern Cal, both Tomlinson and Urlacher echoed the same sentiment, saying they wanted to go somewhere they knew they would compete against top talent and have an opportunity to win a championship each year. 

Despite the stellar recruiting job by Carroll and his staff, USC did miss out on one of the nation’s top QB prospects in Peyton Manning from Indianapolis.  Ultimately, Manning elected to stay closer to home and go with a team where he could step in and play immediately and not sit on the bench for 2 or 3 years.

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Stuart Scott says “boo-yah” one too many times; Found stabbed in back with shiv

Scott

NEW YORK, NY – ESPN’s anchor Stuart Scott lie unconscious in a Manhattan hospital one day after a co-worker found him lying face-down in the men’s room following a broadcast of Sportscenter. Fellow anchor John Anderson said he was shocked initially but not surprised by the prison-style shanking, because Scott had recently ruffled some feathers by overusing his own catchphrase “boo-yah”.

“I won’t say I’m totally taken aback by this,” the composed Anderson stated, “Stuart had just finished that night’s show where he had said “boo-yah” about 57 times; 16 times during the Suns highlights alone.”

Understandably, Scott was not available for comment, though his family did release this statement.

“Though Stuart’s personal catchphrases tend to be stupid and annoying and bring much undesired malice toward his family, we are just thankful he was only stabbed and not prison-raped and left for dead like before. All of us really hate the Check if you’re bleeding, cause you just got tagged bit. Bet he won’t be using that much anymore”.

NYPD detective Arman Pantuso said they have several suspects currently but are still investigating. Pantuso said he did not believe the attack was premeditated but rather a crime of opportunity, as indicated by the plastic knife used as the weapon; the same sort of plastic knife that could be found in the break room just down the hall from the men’s room.

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Buccaneers not as good as Madden 2007 would have you believe

From the Bean’s archives*

TAMPA, FL – When 19-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan Trey Whitten received Madden 2007 for his XBOX 360 in mid-September, the only thing he could think about was leading his team to the Super Bowl. With a seasoned gamer like Whitten behind the wireless controller, the Lombardi Trophy was only a dream season away.

After taking his beloved Bucs to an undefeated championship in just 3 short days, he knew the future only held great things for the actual Buccaneers.

“I was fired up. The Cadillac (running back Carnell Williams) was unstoppable, and our defense only gave up two touchdowns on the entire season, and that was on the All-Madden setting” said the disappointed Whitten.

But as the NFL season draws to a close, the 3 – 11 Buccaneers have been a bit less than “unstoppable”. Which came as a shock to many area gamers who had put their trust in the accuracy of the video game’s programming? Not that scores of Buc’s fans had hung their hopes on a video game, but certainly the power rating of 91 had Tampa Bay as one the forerunners for this seasons Super Bowl.

“I know nothing in life is for certain,” said area gamer DeShawn Fletcher “but there are some things you can count on, like the spin move, the hit stick, and the programmers getting each team’s power rating accurate”.

Despite the lofty expectations, the Buccaneers have struggled this season but sales for Madden 2007 have been terrific even though many fans feel they were misled.

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Dickie V. wants to have T.O.’s baby

Diapering TO\'s dandys?

From the Bean’s archives*

DURHAM, NC — Two sophomores from Duke University said they overheard ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale tell fellow broadcaster Mike Patrick that he wanted to have Terrell Owens’ baby, during a Blue Devils game last week.

The Sigma Chi fraternity brothers, Michael Brayton and Trevor Roff, told thesportsbean.com that they have no doubt in what they heard; despite the fact that both were wearing a basketball on their head and/or that the inaudible conditions of Cameron Indoor Stadium could have distorted their eavesdropping.

“I know what I heard” proclaimed the standoffish Brayton “he was pretty much screaming it, “˜I WANT TO HAVE T.O.’S BABY, I’m surprised it wasn’t broadcast across the country”.

Both Brayton and Roff admitted to having several alcoholic beverages prior to game time, but in no way did that affect their ability to discern what other people may or may not have been saying and/or their decision making.

“I had no idea that Dickie V. was gay,” stated Roff, desperately in need of a comb and a shower, “but I heard him say ‘I WANT TO CHANGE DIAPERS LIKE A DANDY’, no doubt about it”.

When contacted, both Vitale and Patrick said that no such thing had been said during their broadcast and that the booze-fueled frat boys were either confused or just stupid. Terrell Owens was also reached and stated that this was the first he had heard of any such thing, but that he wouldn’t be against letting Vitale raise his children.  –Back to the ‘Bean

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Fighting May Be Linked to Violence, Anger

Miami, FL — Following a lengthy study in the aftermath of the on-field “incident” involving football players from the University of Miami and Florida International University , school president Donna Shalala announced that, “Our study determined that there is a direct correlation between anger and violence, and violence and fighting. We must all accept responsibility, in that our desire to win has unduly influenced these young men to become violent while participating in athletics and we are today announcing steps to decrease the level of violence our student-athletes must exhibit.”
 
Some of the influences Shalala cited were the bold uniform colors (orange and green) which will be altered to the softer shades of Salmon and Sea-Foam Green, the “militaristic” school fight song that has been changed, the new fight song is a spirited version of “We Are the World”, and fiery pre-game speeches. “We have long passed the time when Knute Rockne speeches should be acceptable,” Shalala stated, “we must come to understand that to brain-wash these impressionable children to commit acts of violence against their fellow man is repugnant.”    
 
These new initiatives are also having an input in the current search for a new football coach.  The Sportsbean has learned that the university has hired Rainbow/PUSH Sports Partnership, L.P. to aid in the search. Some of the names under consideration include Gerry Faust, Bill Curry, Gary Gibbs, and Harry Belafonte.

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John Daly determined to not let golf affect his drinking

Now mullet free, Daly has his life pretty much in order

SHELBY COUNTY, TN – John Daly says he is feeling great and doesn’t plan to let anything stand in his way of becoming the full-blown drunk he always believed he could be. Daly says he is more centered and focused than ever before, and feels he has a new lease on life with his renewed dedication to his alcoholism.

“I’m doing fantastic” slurred the oaf-like PGAer “I was on a 2 or 3 week coke-addled bender a couple Accepting that he loves to smoke is the third step in Daly\'s three step programmonths ago… though I’m not quite sure how long it really was because I kept blacking out all the time”.

Daly says he has been spending the majority of his time at bars and strip clubs and staying away from the one place he can get into the most trouble – the golf course. 

“I’ll be driving home around 7 or 8 in the morning when I’ll pass the golf course…its really tempting” Daly said, managing to never remove the cigarette from between his lips, “but thankgoodnessfully I’ve had the strength to keep things in perspective”.

But the road to perdition hasn’t been totally bump-free. Just 3 days ago a greens keeper at an area country club found Daly’s Cadillac idling in the middle of the fairway of the 9th hole with an unconscious Long John lying face down in the tee box with a putter in his hand.

“I’ve had a few moments of weakness, but thankfully I have a great group of supportive friends up at Baby Dolls (gentlemen’s club) that I can lean on in those tough times”.  —Back to the Bean

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Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer unhappy after being doused with bucket of urine

From the Bean’s archives*

BLACKSBURG, VA – Virginia Tech head coach Frank Beamer wasn’t pleased when players mistakenly grabbed the wrong bucket from the sideline, and dumped its contents over his head in jubilation, following last Saturday’s game.

“I wasn’t upset at first, but then I noticed how warm it was” said the agitated Beamer “I smelled my Beamer, after a VT victoryshirt, then I figured out what had happened”.

As with all Virginia Tech games, the team keeps an empty Gatorade bucket on the sideline for players and personnel to urinate into during the course of the game. But this was the first time this type of accident has occurred.

“It’s not uncommon for players to get a drink out of the wrong bucket, but this is the first time anyone has dumped it over coach Beamer’s head” stated equipment manager Donny Ray Johnston, “maybe I should start putting labels on them.”

Having the bucket of urine dumped over the coach has never really been an issue for the Hokies, given the school’s football tradition, but after Saturday’s incident, things may have to change. —thesportsbean.com

Back to the ‘Bean

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NFL to ban tackling in effort To reduce injuries

NEW YORK – Wanting to cut down on the number of injuries suffered by its players each year, the National Football League plans on abolishing tackling by 2009. The NFL, which already has rules against horse collar tackles, helmet-to-helmet contact, spearing, tackling the quarterback below the knees, face-masking, leg-whipping, and making the throat-slashing gesture, believes this is the safest and surest way to prevent injury.

“This is a real step forward for us” said new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, “just a natural progression of things to come.”

The only thing left now to decide is if they want to go to flag football, or just two-hand touch.

“Football is such a violent sport, I’m sure the owners are all with me on implementing this new policy that will protect their investment, and most importantly, keep our young athletes out of harms way” said Goodell.

Political activist and feminist Gloria Steinem stated that she thinks the idea is revolutionary and hopes it won’t be long before we see female professional football players on the same field as the males.

“This is wonderful,” exclaimed Steinem “I can’t wait see women out there scoring home runs with the men”.

In addition to Steinem, moms everywhere are celebrating the announcement.

-thesportsbean.com

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WHO’S THE DORK NOW?

DALLAS, TX – (thesportsbean.com) Thirty minutes before the first pitch. Players are warming up and signing autographs. Standing outside the visitor’s dugout at the Ballpark in Arlington, Paul Jarvis, a 42-year-old computer programmer from Garland, Texas, wades among a sea of adolescents, seeking that oh-so prized signature.

Wearing a LeBron James jersey and looking as cool as a balding, middle-aged white man in a LeBron James jersey can, Jarvis pushes his way to the front of the pack. But its too late, New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, signs his last autograph and trots away.

“Man!” exclaims Jarvis “That would’ve completed my collection of current right-handed middle infielders drafted between 1985 and 2000! Getting Jeter’s signature on this rookie card would have paid for that Lord of the Rings DVD set and that system with the load balanced cache and fully buffered DIMMS that I guess will sit on the shelf at CompUSA forever!”.

At a point when most men are concerned with their mortgage and 401(k), the still single Jarvis is always looking to build-on and improve his baseball card collection.

“Yeah, I used to collect comic books, but when I turned 30 I thought to myself ‘its time for me to grow-up and put the childish endeavors behind me’, said Jarvis. “That’s when I decided to stop collecting comic books, and start collecting baseball cards”.

One aspect of card collecting Jarvis finds most intriguing is the investment value. “These things are going to bring quite a price one day, so when I finally get a keeper , I lock it away in ‘the Vault’.” Jarvis says.

‘The Vault’ that Jarvis refers to is his all-but-impenetrable 1975 Fantastic Four lunch box that he keeps stowed away beneath his bed. In it he has his most prized possession; an Upper Deck Juan Gonzalez rookie card, which he traded for a few years back.

“Yeah, I traded this kid down the street that I sometimes play HALO with a couple of old Iron Man comics and a Xena poster for it, I sooo got the better end of that deal” boasted Jarvis “Man, that is one stupid 9-year-old”.

Though some adults may see a stigma attached to baseball card collecting, Jarvis thinks the opposite. “If there is one thing I am most proud of, it would have to be the amount of material I’ve managed to acquire over my lifetime. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort being involved in this hobby… When I finally meet Susan (Jarvis’ online girlfriend of 6 years) she will be totally impressed

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