Daily Archives: May 9, 2008

Dickie V. wants to have T.O.’s baby

Diapering TO\'s dandys?

From the Bean’s archives*

DURHAM, NC — Two sophomores from Duke University said they overheard ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale tell fellow broadcaster Mike Patrick that he wanted to have Terrell Owens’ baby, during a Blue Devils game last week.

The Sigma Chi fraternity brothers, Michael Brayton and Trevor Roff, told thesportsbean.com that they have no doubt in what they heard; despite the fact that both were wearing a basketball on their head and/or that the inaudible conditions of Cameron Indoor Stadium could have distorted their eavesdropping.

“I know what I heard” proclaimed the standoffish Brayton “he was pretty much screaming it, “˜I WANT TO HAVE T.O.’S BABY, I’m surprised it wasn’t broadcast across the country”.

Both Brayton and Roff admitted to having several alcoholic beverages prior to game time, but in no way did that affect their ability to discern what other people may or may not have been saying and/or their decision making.

“I had no idea that Dickie V. was gay,” stated Roff, desperately in need of a comb and a shower, “but I heard him say ‘I WANT TO CHANGE DIAPERS LIKE A DANDY’, no doubt about it”.

When contacted, both Vitale and Patrick said that no such thing had been said during their broadcast and that the booze-fueled frat boys were either confused or just stupid. Terrell Owens was also reached and stated that this was the first he had heard of any such thing, but that he wouldn’t be against letting Vitale raise his children.  –Back to the ‘Bean

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Fighting May Be Linked to Violence, Anger

Miami, FL — Following a lengthy study in the aftermath of the on-field “incident” involving football players from the University of Miami and Florida International University , school president Donna Shalala announced that, “Our study determined that there is a direct correlation between anger and violence, and violence and fighting. We must all accept responsibility, in that our desire to win has unduly influenced these young men to become violent while participating in athletics and we are today announcing steps to decrease the level of violence our student-athletes must exhibit.”
 
Some of the influences Shalala cited were the bold uniform colors (orange and green) which will be altered to the softer shades of Salmon and Sea-Foam Green, the “militaristic” school fight song that has been changed, the new fight song is a spirited version of “We Are the World”, and fiery pre-game speeches. “We have long passed the time when Knute Rockne speeches should be acceptable,” Shalala stated, “we must come to understand that to brain-wash these impressionable children to commit acts of violence against their fellow man is repugnant.”    
 
These new initiatives are also having an input in the current search for a new football coach.  The Sportsbean has learned that the university has hired Rainbow/PUSH Sports Partnership, L.P. to aid in the search. Some of the names under consideration include Gerry Faust, Bill Curry, Gary Gibbs, and Harry Belafonte.

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