NEW YORK, NY – ESPN’s anchor Stuart Scott lie unconscious in a Manhattan hospital one day after a co-worker found him lying face-down in the men’s room following a broadcast of Sportscenter. Fellow anchor John Anderson said he was shocked initially but not surprised by the prison-style shanking, because Scott had recently ruffled some feathers by overusing his own catchphrase “boo-yah”.
“I won’t say I’m totally taken aback by this,” the composed Anderson stated, “Stuart had just finished that night’s show where he had said “boo-yah” about 57 times; 16 times during the Suns highlights alone.”
Understandably, Scott was not available for comment, though his family did release this statement.
“Though Stuart’s personal catchphrases tend to be stupid and annoying and bring much undesired malice toward his family, we are just thankful he was only stabbed and not prison-raped and left for dead like before. All of us really hate the Check if you’re bleeding, cause you just got tagged bit. Bet he won’t be using that much anymore”.
NYPD detective Arman Pantuso said they have several suspects currently but are still investigating. Pantuso said he did not believe the attack was premeditated but rather a crime of opportunity, as indicated by the plastic knife used as the weapon; the same sort of plastic knife that could be found in the break room just down the hall from the men’s room.