BOSTON , MA – Former New Englsnd Patriot linebacker Ted Johnson says that besides forcing him to sustain concussion after concussion, head coach Bill Belichick has been sneaking into his house in the middle of the night and hiding his car keys. And that this is being done only to confuse and torment the already confused and tormented ex-All Pro.
“The other morning I couldn’t find my keys anywhere! Then my wife Sherry…or Susie… whatever her name is, says that my car is in the driveway idling and that I’m going to be late for therapy” stated the emotional Johnson, “I know he(Belichick) was behind it”.
Johnson says that in addition to the concussions and disappearing car keys, he also blames Belichick for his crystal meth habit, his having to repeat the 8th grade, twice, at least 7 of his 9 cavities, making him count the rasins in his cereal, and for breaking Eight Bells’s ankles during the Kentucky Derby which in turn caused Johnson to lose upwards of about $14,000.
“I woke up on the bathroom floor the other day with a bottle of Xanax in my hand, except all the Xanax was gone” said Johnson, on the brink of tears, “what kind of man sneaks into someone’s house and steals their Xanax while they’re sleeping? He’s a monster!”
Near the end of our interview, Johnson locked himself in the bathroom and began sobbing for 45 minutes before coming out in his underwear, saying that his clothes had been contaminated with Anthrax and that he was unable to locate his car keys.