Monthly Archives: June 2008

DANICA PATRICK NO LONGER TRYING TO PUT ON HER MAKE-UP DURING RACES

PAtrick getting ready for her next race

(from the archives) MONTEGI, JAPAN – After becoming the first woman driver in history to win an IndyCar race, Danica Patrick spoke with reporters on the relief she felt and some of the measures she had taken to improve her overall driving performance.

“Oh. My. Gawd. This is sooo great!” said the obviously excited Patrick. “I feel so relieved its not even funny. I haven’t felt like this since I finally passed the parallel parking part of my driving test, after like, the third time. Whew!”

Patrick was asked if she had taken any steps to maybe improve her IndyCar racing ability. “Well, for one, I decided to quit trying to put on my mascara during the race; I figured I would just do it when the race was over” stated Patrick. “I also decided to quit focusing so hard while I’m driving; I just turned up the radio and started thinking about what I was going to where to the party tonight – then about halfway through the race, I realized I was doing really good and I started texting my BFF Candi and it was totally awesome! Wow!”

Patrick said that this historic event sets the tone for women drivers everywhere and that hopefully they will look at what she has accomplished and maybe become better drivers because of it – but ultimately, they’re still women drivers.

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Filed under Indy Car, Racing, Sports

Lennox Lewis’ children missing; Mike Tyson brought in for questioning

London, England —  On Sunday, Officials from the London Police Department and Scotland Yard took Mike Tyson in for questioning in thedisappearance of the children of Lennox Lewis. Tyson was in town for a sports memorabilia show just three hours before the children were noticed missing.  

“Mr. Tyson is a person of interest due in large part to his statements previously made regarding Mr. Lennox and his children; stated Sir Brian Nelson, Assistant to the Minister of International Crimes Committed Against Royal Academy Athletes. Such statements as; “Lennox Lewis, I’m coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah! My main objective is to be professional but to kill him. I want to rip out his heart and feed it to him [Lennox Lewis]. I want to kill people. I want to rip their stomachs out and eat their children.”

Calls to Don King were not immediately returned. 

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Filed under Boxing, Sports

BCS to simplify formula by drawing names from a hat

GREENSBORO, NC – Speaking via cell phone Monday morning, ACC commissioner and BCS chairman, John Swofford revealed that the Bowl Championship Series had come to a conclusion on a revolutionary new way to determine who would vie for the National Championship each year: the contenders would be drawn out of a hat.

“Many people have been complaining that the BCS and its computer-generated rankings are too convoluted and don’t always ensure the correct or premiere match-up for number 1” Swofford stated “We here at the Bowl Championship Series feel we have come up with a more precise way to determine the teams that will compete for a national title, and we feel it will be supported by every conference”.

When asked if a playoff system wouldn’t be a more viable option, Swofford replied, “A playoff isn’t really much of a solution; there are a lot of variables that it allows in, and a lot of good teams that may be left out. We’re confident that our new method will help reduce, if not eliminate, error from the equation and give all parties a fair and equal chance at success.  Of course, Notre Dame will have several names in the hat in order to ensure that they have the fairest chance of getting in the BCS mix. Honestly, we know people don’t want this decided on the field.”

With all 117 Division I-A schools eligible under the BCS’s new “formula”, it wouldn’t be unheard of to have a 2-10 UNLV squad going against a 1 -11 Temple team for the right to hoist the crystal football at the end of the season.

“Again, our new system has been put in place to bring about fairness, equality, and simplicity in college football, and we feel comfortable it will do so and hopefully put to rest the annual debate over the validity of the mind-boggling computer ratings”.

Developing… College presidents fighting over size, style, and color of hat used to draw teams

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Filed under BCS, College Football, Sports

MAN CAUGHT LOITERING OUTSIDE GIRLS LOCKER ROOM EXPLAINS “IT’S OKAY– I USED TO BE A GYM TEACHER”

WICHITA, KS — Local authorities were notified Wednesday night after concerned parents became suspicious of a strange man hanging around outside the girls locker room at Central Junior High. Police detained and questioned 43-year-old Todd Dobson then forced him to leave the premises before he could even finish watching the 8th grade girls basketball game. “With my experience as a gym teacher, I just wanted to be sure that the girls were stretching out and taping up” said the concerned Dobson, “and that I had some Icy Hot, if they needed some Icy Hot — that’s all”.

Dobson, who actually did have a tube of Icy Hot with him, currently works at Dick’s Sporting Goods. He has had two stints in the past in which he taught Physical Education. Both times he was dismissed from his position for undisclosed reasons.

Police officer Mike Fina said that Dodson became very defensive during questioning. “He kept saying things like ‘If you were in my class, your ass would be running laps all day’ and ‘You see this whistle? This is my badge’”. But since Dobson had not broken any laws, the officers could only escort him away from scene. “If there was a law against ‘creepiness’, we would’ve taken him in” said Fina.

 –thesportsbean.com

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