Monthly Archives: July 2008

More in the series of college football traditions…

Today’s entry comes from The University of Colorado

Colorado’s Keeper of the Can is the most valuable member of the University of Colorado football staff he follows Ralphie with the big shovel. Thanks to him, the Buffaloes may play like sh*t, but they’ll never play in it.

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Dallas cornerback’s “rainmaking” services requested in drought plagued Africa

Tunishu, Nigeria  —  The Tunishi Tribal council has solicited the help of Dallas Cowboy’s cornerback, Adam “PacMan” Jones to help solve the small tribe’s 20 year rain drought. The troubled cornerback (most recently in the news for incidents at a Las Vegas strip club which resulted in the death of a club bouncer and serious injury of another) is now in the news for potential philanthropic reasons. What caught the Tunishi’s interest in the story is Jones’ uncanny ability to make it rain on command. “We believe this Pac Man should bring his make rain skills to our village and put end to our curse of no rain” said tribe leader Ungawi Mooshoo. “Our children are starving for we have no fertile land to farm, If Pac Man can make it rain he should do so here”, he concluded.
Awaiting a response

Awaiting a response

The Tunishi are offering a onetime deal for Jones’ rain making services that includes a newly printed 1 trillion dollar bill ($1.20 US), a virgin, and a can of olives if he can successfully bring rain to the region. Jones’ agent Michael Huyghue told the Sporting News that they were a long way from finalizing a deal with the Tunishi and that everything to this point was all speculation. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell appeared reluctant to endorse the goodwill trip given Jones’ problems in the past. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea to turn Adam loose down there..god knows what he could get into” Goodell said, ” It’s one thing to volunteer your time at a Boys club, but having the fate of an entire tribe of people in your hands is a whole other issue”, he added. 


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Continuing our college football tradition series



On the Friday night before the last home game of each season, the University of Miami (FL) has George Mira come back and talk to the current players about what it’s like to be the only living, former Hurricane player to have a degree. Last year when he talked about being on stage and wearing his tassel, nine players and two assistant coaches tried to stuff dollar bills in his pants.




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In honor of that most glorious time of year, TheSportsbean is proud to announce its newest series…

A celebration of lesser known college football traditions

A Sportsbean series

The Ohio State University dots the “I” and the Razorbacks run through the “A” but few know about Penn State and the “Bearer of the White Socks.”
Every Friday before a home game at Happy Valley, a Penn State student is chosen to take coach Paterno to dinner at Hoss’s Steak and Sea Family Restaurant for his weekly 4:30 dinner, home for the 6:00 news, Wheel of Fortune, then most of a Matlock re-run.  When Paterno falls asleep in his recliner at 7:30, the lucky winner puts the coaching icon to bed and picks out the socks for tomorrow’s game from the hundreds of pairs available.  The following game day morning, the student then is greeted by an impatient Paterno at 4:30am for breakfast for the honor of putting the famous white socks onto the bare feet of the great Joe Pa.

 *editor’s note: TSB used “BCS” as a tag for this post knowing that this has very little to do with Penn St. However because PSU plays in a BCS conference we included it.

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Kareem Abdul-Jabbar converts to Judaism, changes name to Stanley Goldstein

Boca Raton, FL — Citing better food and less hastle in airports, Los Angeles Laker legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has seen the light a second time.  In an exclusive interview with, Jabbar (or “Goldie” as his friends call him) has made another life decision.  He has put down the Koran and picked up a yarmulke with his new pursuit of Judaism.  “I just wish I had done this before now, said a finally content Goldstein.  “It stinks that my college career stats, my NBA stats and my homeowners association’s shuffleboard stats will all be under different names.”

Goldstein in 2008
Goldstein in July 2008

Goldstein last changed his name after the 1971 NBA season to Jabbar from his previous Lew Alcindor claiming that his new name more closely identifies him with his new adherence to Islam.  Goldstein’s new faith caused his latest change. 

“I thought about converting to homosexuality like a lot of people in LA did in the 1980’s but then I started reading about what they have to do and thought, ‘good lord!’ that’s really selling out for your religion!  I mean that’s really going all in.  Mostly, I’m just glad to get to eat bacon again.” said Glodstein.  When reminded that Jews don’t eat pork, an exasperated Goldstein threw his hands in the air and proclaimed; “Damn it! That’s was like half the reason I did it!”

The former Alcindor, who was raised Roman Catholic, feels confident that this will be his final conversion because quite simply, he is running out of religions.


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Bob Uecker apologizes for starting so many fights over horrible tasting beer

Milwaukee, WI — From the opening statement of his press conference to the last question, Bob Uecker could not have been more contrite. “I don’t know if it was the money, the fame, rubbing elbows with a young John Madden, or just what it was but now I know it was destructive, I let it get out of hand and I’m sorry;”  proclaimed Uecker. “I have always taken my craft seriously and I guess when the director yelled ‘action’ I don’t know, I just really believed it tasted great. I mean, I got really pissed every time I heard Billy Martin or Bubba Smith say ‘less filling’. In short, I lost 30 years of friendship with Rodney Dangerfield, that old guy, Hightower, all of them.”

Uecker talked for sometime about his time away from the glairing lights of the Miller Lite ads and more importantly what turned things around. “I remember being pulled off of the set of Mr. Belvedere after Chris (Belvedere) made a crack about my acting being ‘less filling’ and ‘not great’. I went nuts. It was only recently that I actually tasted the product that brought me so much fame and ultimately, loneliness. I just can’t believe that I lost friends over this crap. I mean, have any of you ever tasted this horse piss? I’d really like to apologize to anyone that ever bought this stuff because of me.”

The baseball “legend” ended the day with an open invitation to everyone that he ostracized over the years to come to his home and catch up on the lost time. 

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Ex-Strong Man wishes co-workers would Stop challenging him to lift things

FRESNO, CA – Former “World’s Strongest Man” competitor Darrell Sandifur says he is getting tired of everyone at his workplace daring him to various feats of strength.

“They keep wanting me to tear the phone book, or pull the fire hydrant out of the ground… just stupid crap like that” an irritated Sandifur said.

Sandifur has been working at a local Office Max loading and unloading supply trucks for several months now.  But it wasn’t until recently when co-workers found out Sandifur used to compete in “strong man” competitions, that the random challenges came about.

“It’s just getting really annoying. This one guy, Roger, comes up to me every day and asks me if I can punch a hole in a brick wall or lift a bulldozer over my head” stated Sandifur “I guess he thinks I’m a superhero or something. He might be retarded”.

Sandifur said if the harassment continues, he will be forced to file a grievance with management.




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