Category Archives: College Sports

Looking back, Coker says Naked Picture of Donna Shalala Didn’t Motivate Team Like He Thought It Would

CORAL GABLES, FL — Over the summer, former Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker found himself watching several hours of basic cable television each day. It was during one of the three hundred and forty two different airings of the hit comedy “Major League” that Coker had his revelation. Shalala, you've got me on my knees.

“I was sitting on my sofa, enjoying a delicious fruit smoothie from Orange Julius, thinking of ways to improve my team” recounted the personable yet unemployed Coker, “I thought to myself, if I put a life-sized cut-out of (Miami University president) Donna Shalala, in our locker room, and each week, if we won, we could peel away a layer of clothing, ultimately revealing Ms. Shalala in her birthday suit, that this would fire-up the boys making them want to go out and win games.” Which it didn’t.

Unfortunately, the cardboard likeness of Shalala had just the opposite effect. Many players stated that they had expressed to Coker the cut-out was making them feel uncomfortable and even ill on occasion, and some even suggested that if they won the game, layers of clothing could be put back on the already overexposed school president.

“Do you know how creepy it feels to have some half-naked old woman standing there, staring at you as you change your clothes?” asked the visibly shaken Hurricane quarterback Kyle Wright, “I do and all that cardboard cut-out did was make me revisit that horrible time in my life, each and every day.”

Others stated that the naked Shalala did indeed have on-the-field ramifications, just not quite how Coker had envisioned.

“I’d look up at the scoreboard and we would be ahead by two touchdowns,” remembered Miami lineman Antonio Reyes, “then I would imagine coach slowly peeling away another piece of clothing from that thing, all of the sudden, I became frightened.  I just didn’t feel like playing.  I’m not saying that I ever let a game get away on purpose but I sure didn’t do what I could to win it.”

“I just don”t get it” said Coker, “it worked so beautifully in the movie. I’m not sure what was missing”. 

One thing is for sure, the players haven’t be missing the naked Shalala in the locker room.

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Worst College Football Helmet list (Part II)

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (10-1)

 

Thanks, Western Carolina!  Catwoman now has a hat! 

 

 

That smartass doctor on MASH really made a stupid looking helmet

 

 

 

Thanks to Bowling Green, enroll in free checking and get tickets to the Marshall game so… That’s cool, huh?

 

 

 

Warrensburgh, MO Pop: 874.  Saaaaaaalute! 

 

 

 

Give them the bird!  In the spirit of the unbridled success of the Arizona Cardinals, these schools have decided to pick up the mantle and dawn the chopped off bird head on the helmet look.  Real scary, boys.  **Side note. Apparently in Kentucky, the birds have more teeth than the residents

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arkansas St.  Hillbillies in the Mist.

 

 

WY did they do this? 

 

 

 

 

 

That creepy Grimmace looking mascot should have told us enough. The Bean’s concern here is of this helmet may cloud your view of just how stupid this helmet is.  Maybe they are throwing the “play under review” flag.  Maybe it was dreamed up in WKU’s psychology dept as a way of subliminally telling the opponent that “we are aware of the rules and we further know that we can demand a review of any of the several touchdowns that you are about to score”.

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Time for TheSportsbean.com’s annual Worst College Football Helmet list! Weeeeeee!

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (11-20)

 

 

Don’t think FloJo designed these.  Very original, Nebraska.

 

 

 

 

 For more on Liberace and the University of Indiana please go to http://www.liberace.org/

 

 

 

 The Valley has gone to the cartoon dogs

 

   

EWWWWU!  All of the charm of the goofy Milwaukee Brewers “MB baseball glove” logo without Robin Yount.  Hey!  Eastern Washington!  You made top 20 list!  Oh, this list.  Nevermind.

 

 

 

 

 

  Nothing too fancy, boys

 

 

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that's the way it is, ya kid!

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Smurfs, rappers, and UNC.  Excellence.

 

   

 

These cupcakes brethe fire!

 

 

 

 

 

Zippity Doo Da

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More in the series of college football traditions…

Today’s entry comes from The University of Colorado

Colorado’s Keeper of the Can is the most valuable member of the University of Colorado football staff he follows Ralphie with the big shovel. Thanks to him, the Buffaloes may play like sh*t, but they’ll never play in it.

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Continuing our college football tradition series

U

U

On the Friday night before the last home game of each season, the University of Miami (FL) has George Mira come back and talk to the current players about what it’s like to be the only living, former Hurricane player to have a degree. Last year when he talked about being on stage and wearing his tassel, nine players and two assistant coaches tried to stuff dollar bills in his pants.

 

 

 

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In honor of that most glorious time of year, TheSportsbean is proud to announce its newest series…

A celebration of lesser known college football traditions

A Sportsbean series

The Ohio State University dots the “I” and the Razorbacks run through the “A” but few know about Penn State and the “Bearer of the White Socks.”
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Every Friday before a home game at Happy Valley, a Penn State student is chosen to take coach Paterno to dinner at Hoss’s Steak and Sea Family Restaurant for his weekly 4:30 dinner, home for the 6:00 news, Wheel of Fortune, then most of a Matlock re-run.  When Paterno falls asleep in his recliner at 7:30, the lucky winner puts the coaching icon to bed and picks out the socks for tomorrow’s game from the hundreds of pairs available.  The following game day morning, the student then is greeted by an impatient Paterno at 4:30am for breakfast for the honor of putting the famous white socks onto the bare feet of the great Joe Pa.

 *editor’s note: TSB used “BCS” as a tag for this post knowing that this has very little to do with Penn St. However because PSU plays in a BCS conference we included it.

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Kareem Abdul-Jabbar converts to Judaism, changes name to Stanley Goldstein

Boca Raton, FL — Citing better food and less hastle in airports, Los Angeles Laker legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has seen the light a second time.  In an exclusive interview with TheSportsbean.com, Jabbar (or “Goldie” as his friends call him) has made another life decision.  He has put down the Koran and picked up a yarmulke with his new pursuit of Judaism.  “I just wish I had done this before now, said a finally content Goldstein.  “It stinks that my college career stats, my NBA stats and my homeowners association’s shuffleboard stats will all be under different names.”

Goldstein in 2008
Goldstein in July 2008

Goldstein last changed his name after the 1971 NBA season to Jabbar from his previous Lew Alcindor claiming that his new name more closely identifies him with his new adherence to Islam.  Goldstein’s new faith caused his latest change. 

“I thought about converting to homosexuality like a lot of people in LA did in the 1980’s but then I started reading about what they have to do and thought, ‘good lord!’ that’s really selling out for your religion!  I mean that’s really going all in.  Mostly, I’m just glad to get to eat bacon again.” said Glodstein.  When reminded that Jews don’t eat pork, an exasperated Goldstein threw his hands in the air and proclaimed; “Damn it! That’s was like half the reason I did it!”

The former Alcindor, who was raised Roman Catholic, feels confident that this will be his final conversion because quite simply, he is running out of religions.

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Rest of the pile: Top 10 worst sports movies ever

 

10. Tagline from the DVD box: His stripes made him an outcast. His heart made him a hero. They forgot “his movie works better than Ambien. 

The box however does offer this warning… Starring: Frankie Muniz, David Spade, Steve Harvey, Snoop Dogg, Mandy Moore, Jeff Foxworthy, and Whoopi Goldberg

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9. Let’s be honest, this was about a guy in the mid west who hallucinated an entire baseball game and people thought it was romantic. If he had hallucinated anything else, he’d have been arrested.

 

 

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8. Again, the producers try to warn you with the cover art. _______________________________________________________________________________

7. Just look at this poster. Let this soak in. Did Bugs Bunny really need the money this badly? Here’s your tagline, Half cartoon, half live action, all crap. These were Spacejammed into Wal Mart’s $1.99 bin with more authority than 23 ever dunked a basketball. 

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6.  Inside a studio executive’s head in 1982: Kenny Rogers, sports movie. Kenny Rogers, sports movie. Kenny Rogers, sports movie… How come this hasn’t happened yet?

Ignored child labor laws and a creepy bearded dude that hangs around kids are not enough to save this movie. 

 

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5. Even Tide fans left this movie rooting for Auburn.

 

 

 

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4.  High School Musical (w/out the music) meets Cheetah Girls, meets crappy WB sitcom.

Actual tagline: Everybody has a secret… Duke wants Olivia who likes Sebastian who is really Viola whose brother is dating Monique so she hates Olivia who’s with Duke to make Sebastian jealous who is really Viola who’s crushing on Duke who thinks she’s a guy… This movie just makes the Bean angry!

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3.  Bean reader “Cody” suggested this one. Bean reader “Cody” was really just shooting fish in a barrel with this one.  This is really just piling on. 2 1/2 words… Lil’ Bow Wow.
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2. The Bean is still unclear why Hollywood hates monkeys so much. Here’s another example… Making one “act” with Matt LeBlanc. “You’re there to support the chimp. Just remember that, Joey.”

 

 

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1.  ANY movie that makes “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” (with Estell Getty) not the worst Stallone movie deserves a place on this list.  Remember, Stallone made: Cobra, Judge Dread, Oscar, 

Best part of this movie?  Sammy Hagar’s song on the soundtrack. No, make that the closing credits. Let the Bean walk you through this movie’s premise.

Truck driver, Lincoln Hawk gets his kid from a military academy because his mother is dying. Not Stallone’s, his kid’s. Anyway… What turns into long story/longer… It’s the feel good arm wrestling movie of the year. 

 

 

 

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UT Crew Team Faces 1 Year Ban For Non-Conforming Watercraft

Bill Dance to pull ads off of boat

Knoxville Tn –  The University of Tennessee’s newly formed crew and rowing team has come under fire from the NCAA sanctions committee for allegedly entering a “non-conforming” water vessel in its most recent meet against Rice University. The boat titled “Corn Squeezins I” was met with a mix of shock and uncertainty by those in attendance and came under immediate protest by the Rice team. ” There was no way we were going to row against that monstrosity” said William Needham III, captain of the Rice squad. Most egregious of the cited violations was the 60 hp Briggs and Stratton outboard motor the Volunteers had rigged on the back which they had initially tried to conceal with a rain poncho. Inspectors also added a depth finder, live well, pop-up duck blind and other sport fishing equipment to the list of irregularities

While acceptable specifications may vary depending on which club is sanctioning the meet. It is universally agreed that most boats (referred to as shells) cannot exceed 1/8 to 1/4 thickness and should make use of no apparatus other than its occupants and their sculls (oars) to aid in moving the boat. “We like to allow for some design flexibility in the boats from time to time”, said Blaine Worthing, assoc. chair of the Collegiate Crew Assoc, the governing body of division I competitive rowing, “it allows the students to incorporate some ingenuity into the sport and adds to its beauty and complexity but the Tennessee crew team took a few too many liberties in this case”, he concluded.

“I think them boys was jes plain yella… truth be told” commented Lee Suggs, 8th year senior and captain of the Tennessee Team.” We no sooner pulled her off the flatbed and dropped er in then thay come a runnin and lookin around and acting all smarmy like….so we was like brang it on you yankee SOB’s…go git yer own motor and we gonna blow yalls doors off….these colors don’t run….”

Competitive rowing, while offered at the collegiate level since 1815, has been slow to catch on in the southeastern state schools where football and basketball are clearly the preferred spectator and participant sports in that region. “We definitely want to branch out to some of the lesser known but equally as important sports programs here at UT” said UT athletic Director Mike Hamilton,” we considered gymnastics and fencing but it was deemed to “wussified” by the majority of our invested alumni. Rowing just seemed like the most logical next best thing. After all most of these boys have been around the water most of their lives, whether it be rock skippin’, frog giggin’, rowin’, or just plain old wadin’ ……Git er dunnn!” Hamilton concluded.

In his follow up report to the NCAA, Worthing admitted that while the motor was the only piece of equipment that could reasonably give the UT team a decided advantage, the fishing equipment, igloo coolers, and diving board would have to be removed before they would be allowed to compete again.

 

 

 

 

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