Category Archives: Fans

Buccaneers not as good as Madden 2007 would have you believe

From the Bean’s archives*

TAMPA, FL – When 19-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan Trey Whitten received Madden 2007 for his XBOX 360 in mid-September, the only thing he could think about was leading his team to the Super Bowl. With a seasoned gamer like Whitten behind the wireless controller, the Lombardi Trophy was only a dream season away.

After taking his beloved Bucs to an undefeated championship in just 3 short days, he knew the future only held great things for the actual Buccaneers.

“I was fired up. The Cadillac (running back Carnell Williams) was unstoppable, and our defense only gave up two touchdowns on the entire season, and that was on the All-Madden setting” said the disappointed Whitten.

But as the NFL season draws to a close, the 3 – 11 Buccaneers have been a bit less than “unstoppable”. Which came as a shock to many area gamers who had put their trust in the accuracy of the video game’s programming? Not that scores of Buc’s fans had hung their hopes on a video game, but certainly the power rating of 91 had Tampa Bay as one the forerunners for this seasons Super Bowl.

“I know nothing in life is for certain,” said area gamer DeShawn Fletcher “but there are some things you can count on, like the spin move, the hit stick, and the programmers getting each team’s power rating accurate”.

Despite the lofty expectations, the Buccaneers have struggled this season but sales for Madden 2007 have been terrific even though many fans feel they were misled.

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Dickie V. wants to have T.O.’s baby

Diapering TO\'s dandys?

From the Bean’s archives*

DURHAM, NC — Two sophomores from Duke University said they overheard ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale tell fellow broadcaster Mike Patrick that he wanted to have Terrell Owens’ baby, during a Blue Devils game last week.

The Sigma Chi fraternity brothers, Michael Brayton and Trevor Roff, told that they have no doubt in what they heard; despite the fact that both were wearing a basketball on their head and/or that the inaudible conditions of Cameron Indoor Stadium could have distorted their eavesdropping.

“I know what I heard” proclaimed the standoffish Brayton “he was pretty much screaming it, “˜I WANT TO HAVE T.O.’S BABY, I’m surprised it wasn’t broadcast across the country”.

Both Brayton and Roff admitted to having several alcoholic beverages prior to game time, but in no way did that affect their ability to discern what other people may or may not have been saying and/or their decision making.

“I had no idea that Dickie V. was gay,” stated Roff, desperately in need of a comb and a shower, “but I heard him say ‘I WANT TO CHANGE DIAPERS LIKE A DANDY’, no doubt about it”.

When contacted, both Vitale and Patrick said that no such thing had been said during their broadcast and that the booze-fueled frat boys were either confused or just stupid. Terrell Owens was also reached and stated that this was the first he had heard of any such thing, but that he wouldn’t be against letting Vitale raise his children.  –Back to the ‘Bean

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DALLAS, TX – ( Thirty minutes before the first pitch. Players are warming up and signing autographs. Standing outside the visitor’s dugout at the Ballpark in Arlington, Paul Jarvis, a 42-year-old computer programmer from Garland, Texas, wades among a sea of adolescents, seeking that oh-so prized signature.

Wearing a LeBron James jersey and looking as cool as a balding, middle-aged white man in a LeBron James jersey can, Jarvis pushes his way to the front of the pack. But its too late, New York Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter, signs his last autograph and trots away.

“Man!” exclaims Jarvis “That would’ve completed my collection of current right-handed middle infielders drafted between 1985 and 2000! Getting Jeter’s signature on this rookie card would have paid for that Lord of the Rings DVD set and that system with the load balanced cache and fully buffered DIMMS that I guess will sit on the shelf at CompUSA forever!”.

At a point when most men are concerned with their mortgage and 401(k), the still single Jarvis is always looking to build-on and improve his baseball card collection.

“Yeah, I used to collect comic books, but when I turned 30 I thought to myself ‘its time for me to grow-up and put the childish endeavors behind me’, said Jarvis. “That’s when I decided to stop collecting comic books, and start collecting baseball cards”.

One aspect of card collecting Jarvis finds most intriguing is the investment value. “These things are going to bring quite a price one day, so when I finally get a keeper , I lock it away in ‘the Vault’.” Jarvis says.

‘The Vault’ that Jarvis refers to is his all-but-impenetrable 1975 Fantastic Four lunch box that he keeps stowed away beneath his bed. In it he has his most prized possession; an Upper Deck Juan Gonzalez rookie card, which he traded for a few years back.

“Yeah, I traded this kid down the street that I sometimes play HALO with a couple of old Iron Man comics and a Xena poster for it, I sooo got the better end of that deal” boasted Jarvis “Man, that is one stupid 9-year-old”.

Though some adults may see a stigma attached to baseball card collecting, Jarvis thinks the opposite. “If there is one thing I am most proud of, it would have to be the amount of material I’ve managed to acquire over my lifetime. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort being involved in this hobby… When I finally meet Susan (Jarvis’ online girlfriend of 6 years) she will be totally impressed

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