Category Archives: Fans

In honor of that most glorious time of year, TheSportsbean is proud to announce its newest series…

A celebration of lesser known college football traditions

A Sportsbean series

The Ohio State University dots the “I” and the Razorbacks run through the “A” but few know about Penn State and the “Bearer of the White Socks.”
Every Friday before a home game at Happy Valley, a Penn State student is chosen to take coach Paterno to dinner at Hoss’s Steak and Sea Family Restaurant for his weekly 4:30 dinner, home for the 6:00 news, Wheel of Fortune, then most of a Matlock re-run.  When Paterno falls asleep in his recliner at 7:30, the lucky winner puts the coaching icon to bed and picks out the socks for tomorrow’s game from the hundreds of pairs available.  The following game day morning, the student then is greeted by an impatient Paterno at 4:30am for breakfast for the honor of putting the famous white socks onto the bare feet of the great Joe Pa.

 *editor’s note: TSB used “BCS” as a tag for this post knowing that this has very little to do with Penn St. However because PSU plays in a BCS conference we included it.


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Bob Uecker apologizes for starting so many fights over horrible tasting beer

Milwaukee, WI — From the opening statement of his press conference to the last question, Bob Uecker could not have been more contrite. “I don’t know if it was the money, the fame, rubbing elbows with a young John Madden, or just what it was but now I know it was destructive, I let it get out of hand and I’m sorry;”  proclaimed Uecker. “I have always taken my craft seriously and I guess when the director yelled ‘action’ I don’t know, I just really believed it tasted great. I mean, I got really pissed every time I heard Billy Martin or Bubba Smith say ‘less filling’. In short, I lost 30 years of friendship with Rodney Dangerfield, that old guy, Hightower, all of them.”

Uecker talked for sometime about his time away from the glairing lights of the Miller Lite ads and more importantly what turned things around. “I remember being pulled off of the set of Mr. Belvedere after Chris (Belvedere) made a crack about my acting being ‘less filling’ and ‘not great’. I went nuts. It was only recently that I actually tasted the product that brought me so much fame and ultimately, loneliness. I just can’t believe that I lost friends over this crap. I mean, have any of you ever tasted this horse piss? I’d really like to apologize to anyone that ever bought this stuff because of me.”

The baseball “legend” ended the day with an open invitation to everyone that he ostracized over the years to come to his home and catch up on the lost time. 

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Ex-Strong Man wishes co-workers would Stop challenging him to lift things

FRESNO, CA – Former “World’s Strongest Man” competitor Darrell Sandifur says he is getting tired of everyone at his workplace daring him to various feats of strength.

“They keep wanting me to tear the phone book, or pull the fire hydrant out of the ground… just stupid crap like that” an irritated Sandifur said.

Sandifur has been working at a local Office Max loading and unloading supply trucks for several months now.  But it wasn’t until recently when co-workers found out Sandifur used to compete in “strong man” competitions, that the random challenges came about.

“It’s just getting really annoying. This one guy, Roger, comes up to me every day and asks me if I can punch a hole in a brick wall or lift a bulldozer over my head” stated Sandifur “I guess he thinks I’m a superhero or something. He might be retarded”.

Sandifur said if the harassment continues, he will be forced to file a grievance with management.




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WICHITA, KS — Local authorities were notified Wednesday night after concerned parents became suspicious of a strange man hanging around outside the girls locker room at Central Junior High. Police detained and questioned 43-year-old Todd Dobson then forced him to leave the premises before he could even finish watching the 8th grade girls basketball game. “With my experience as a gym teacher, I just wanted to be sure that the girls were stretching out and taping up” said the concerned Dobson, “and that I had some Icy Hot, if they needed some Icy Hot — that’s all”.

Dobson, who actually did have a tube of Icy Hot with him, currently works at Dick’s Sporting Goods. He has had two stints in the past in which he taught Physical Education. Both times he was dismissed from his position for undisclosed reasons.

Police officer Mike Fina said that Dodson became very defensive during questioning. “He kept saying things like ‘If you were in my class, your ass would be running laps all day’ and ‘You see this whistle? This is my badge’”. But since Dobson had not broken any laws, the officers could only escort him away from scene. “If there was a law against ‘creepiness’, we would’ve taken him in” said Fina.


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Stuart Scott says “boo-yah” one too many times; Found stabbed in back with shiv


NEW YORK, NY – ESPN’s anchor Stuart Scott lie unconscious in a Manhattan hospital one day after a co-worker found him lying face-down in the men’s room following a broadcast of Sportscenter. Fellow anchor John Anderson said he was shocked initially but not surprised by the prison-style shanking, because Scott had recently ruffled some feathers by overusing his own catchphrase “boo-yah”.

“I won’t say I’m totally taken aback by this,” the composed Anderson stated, “Stuart had just finished that night’s show where he had said “boo-yah” about 57 times; 16 times during the Suns highlights alone.”

Understandably, Scott was not available for comment, though his family did release this statement.

“Though Stuart’s personal catchphrases tend to be stupid and annoying and bring much undesired malice toward his family, we are just thankful he was only stabbed and not prison-raped and left for dead like before. All of us really hate the Check if you’re bleeding, cause you just got tagged bit. Bet he won’t be using that much anymore”.

NYPD detective Arman Pantuso said they have several suspects currently but are still investigating. Pantuso said he did not believe the attack was premeditated but rather a crime of opportunity, as indicated by the plastic knife used as the weapon; the same sort of plastic knife that could be found in the break room just down the hall from the men’s room.

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Buccaneers not as good as Madden 2007 would have you believe

From the Bean’s archives*

TAMPA, FL – When 19-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan Trey Whitten received Madden 2007 for his XBOX 360 in mid-September, the only thing he could think about was leading his team to the Super Bowl. With a seasoned gamer like Whitten behind the wireless controller, the Lombardi Trophy was only a dream season away.

After taking his beloved Bucs to an undefeated championship in just 3 short days, he knew the future only held great things for the actual Buccaneers.

“I was fired up. The Cadillac (running back Carnell Williams) was unstoppable, and our defense only gave up two touchdowns on the entire season, and that was on the All-Madden setting” said the disappointed Whitten.

But as the NFL season draws to a close, the 3 – 11 Buccaneers have been a bit less than “unstoppable”. Which came as a shock to many area gamers who had put their trust in the accuracy of the video game’s programming? Not that scores of Buc’s fans had hung their hopes on a video game, but certainly the power rating of 91 had Tampa Bay as one the forerunners for this seasons Super Bowl.

“I know nothing in life is for certain,” said area gamer DeShawn Fletcher “but there are some things you can count on, like the spin move, the hit stick, and the programmers getting each team’s power rating accurate”.

Despite the lofty expectations, the Buccaneers have struggled this season but sales for Madden 2007 have been terrific even though many fans feel they were misled.

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Dickie V. wants to have T.O.’s baby

Diapering TO\'s dandys?

From the Bean’s archives*

DURHAM, NC — Two sophomores from Duke University said they overheard ESPN basketball analyst Dick Vitale tell fellow broadcaster Mike Patrick that he wanted to have Terrell Owens’ baby, during a Blue Devils game last week.

The Sigma Chi fraternity brothers, Michael Brayton and Trevor Roff, told that they have no doubt in what they heard; despite the fact that both were wearing a basketball on their head and/or that the inaudible conditions of Cameron Indoor Stadium could have distorted their eavesdropping.

“I know what I heard” proclaimed the standoffish Brayton “he was pretty much screaming it, “˜I WANT TO HAVE T.O.’S BABY, I’m surprised it wasn’t broadcast across the country”.

Both Brayton and Roff admitted to having several alcoholic beverages prior to game time, but in no way did that affect their ability to discern what other people may or may not have been saying and/or their decision making.

“I had no idea that Dickie V. was gay,” stated Roff, desperately in need of a comb and a shower, “but I heard him say ‘I WANT TO CHANGE DIAPERS LIKE A DANDY’, no doubt about it”.

When contacted, both Vitale and Patrick said that no such thing had been said during their broadcast and that the booze-fueled frat boys were either confused or just stupid. Terrell Owens was also reached and stated that this was the first he had heard of any such thing, but that he wouldn’t be against letting Vitale raise his children.  –Back to the ‘Bean

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