Category Archives: football

T.O. HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO INFORM MEDIA THAT THEY ARE NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO HIM

IRVING, TX – On Monday, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens assembled reporters and various media members to chastise them on the coverage, or lack thereof, he has been getting.

 

“I shouldn’t have to do this” started the obviously irritated Owens.  “It’s really kind of embarrassing that you all have put me in this position” said the 6-time All-Pro. 

“I shouldn’t have to do shirtless sit-ups in my driveway or stage a fake suicide attempt anymore…I mean, for real, my fake suicide attempt was way better than Vince Young’s, but has anyone mentioned that?”

Owens continued on with a 9-minute diatribe that went something like this: “Blah, blah, blah…me, me, me…blah, blah…look at me, look at me”.

 

He also condemned the media over the amount of exposure that new teammate Adam ‘Pac-Man’ Jones is receiving, saying that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones “promised” that Pac-Man wouldn’t take any publicity away from Owens.  “He promised!” pouted Owens with his arms folded and bottom lip stuck out.

 

Before stomping away Owens said that if this downturn in public attention continued that he would be forced to fire his press secretary and that it would be all our fault and he also muttered something about changing his name to Terrell Ocho Uno.

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AL DAVIS, RAIDERS SEARCHING FOR SUCCESSOR TO NEXT HEAD COACH

OAKLAND, CA — Speaking via telephone, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis said now that former head coach Lane Kiffin is gone, he can focus on and looks forward to firing his replacement.

 

“The next man we bring in is going to have to be able to follow orders and do as he is told; like a good head coach should” stated Davis, ” He is going to have to understand that the direction he is being given is based more on senility rather than logic and sound thinking; and he will accept that implicitly.”

 

When asked if they were close to finding a replacement for Kiffin, Davis said ” We’ve got our eye on a couple of high school coaches in the bay area, as well as a soccer coach in Guatemala.”

 

Said Davis, ” Whomever it is, I look forward to bossing him around for the next 15 months or so before we have a ugly, bizarre, and very public separation.”

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CDC close to declaring Romo-mania an epidemic

DALLAS, TX — In a statement released Tuesday, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said the current outbreak of what doctors are calling “Romo-mania” is close to reaching epidemic proportions in the Dallas area. In the past few weeks, hospitals across the Dallas metroplex and north Texas have shown a 78 percent increase in emergency room visits from patients showing signs and symptoms of the new malady.

“Romo-mania is a particularly unusual mental and emotional illness that may or may not have psychosomatic affects on its victims,” stated CDC spokesman Dr. Arman Pantuso, “people under its control often aren’t thinking clearly and talk of fantasy-like beliefs. The victim’s speech is also affected; they speak slowly and with an intolerable twang, they may also feel compelled to consume inordinate amounts of Shiner Bock beer and wear anything with a big blue star on it.”

Dr. Elizabeth Hernandez, director of emergency medicine at Baylor Medical Center in north Dallas, has reported that many patients have experienced a condition not dissimilar to that of Turret’s Syndrome.

“Several victims have been uncontrollably and unconsciously blurting out things” Dr. Hernandez said “HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!” and “SUPER BOWL, BABY!” seem to be some of the more common phrases being uttered”.

Currently the CDC is taking steps to be sure the outbreak is contained and wants area denizens to not be alarmed. They also recommend that those in the north Texas area try to abstain from eating red meat and watching Dallas Cowboy football games for the next couple of months.

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Looking back, Coker says Naked Picture of Donna Shalala Didn’t Motivate Team Like He Thought It Would

CORAL GABLES, FL — Over the summer, former Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker found himself watching several hours of basic cable television each day. It was during one of the three hundred and forty two different airings of the hit comedy “Major League” that Coker had his revelation. Shalala, you've got me on my knees.

“I was sitting on my sofa, enjoying a delicious fruit smoothie from Orange Julius, thinking of ways to improve my team” recounted the personable yet unemployed Coker, “I thought to myself, if I put a life-sized cut-out of (Miami University president) Donna Shalala, in our locker room, and each week, if we won, we could peel away a layer of clothing, ultimately revealing Ms. Shalala in her birthday suit, that this would fire-up the boys making them want to go out and win games.” Which it didn’t.

Unfortunately, the cardboard likeness of Shalala had just the opposite effect. Many players stated that they had expressed to Coker the cut-out was making them feel uncomfortable and even ill on occasion, and some even suggested that if they won the game, layers of clothing could be put back on the already overexposed school president.

“Do you know how creepy it feels to have some half-naked old woman standing there, staring at you as you change your clothes?” asked the visibly shaken Hurricane quarterback Kyle Wright, “I do and all that cardboard cut-out did was make me revisit that horrible time in my life, each and every day.”

Others stated that the naked Shalala did indeed have on-the-field ramifications, just not quite how Coker had envisioned.

“I’d look up at the scoreboard and we would be ahead by two touchdowns,” remembered Miami lineman Antonio Reyes, “then I would imagine coach slowly peeling away another piece of clothing from that thing, all of the sudden, I became frightened.  I just didn’t feel like playing.  I’m not saying that I ever let a game get away on purpose but I sure didn’t do what I could to win it.”

“I just don”t get it” said Coker, “it worked so beautifully in the movie. I’m not sure what was missing”. 

One thing is for sure, the players haven’t be missing the naked Shalala in the locker room.

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Jimmy Johnson’s hair doesn’t Impress Terry Bradshaw

NEW YORK, NY – Fox television’s NFL analyst Terry Bradshaw admitted this week that his colleague’s obsession with his own well-manicured coif is becoming quite annoying. Former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson’s perfectly placed head of hair was a staple during the early ‘90’s as he was winning games and Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. Now it’s just a nuisance.

“That guy spends more time on his hair then most women” said the agitated Bradshaw. “He has this little homo hairdresser that runs out during every commercial break and sprays White Rain all over his head and then pets it like it’s a freakin’ lapdog.”

Johnson has been known to try to intimidate others with his hair, especially those who are folliclely challenged.

“I hear him bossing around other bald guys in the office, but his helmet hair doesn’t impress me” stated Bradshaw. “This guys got a whole team of hair stylists following him around 24/7, it unbelievable”.

“All I need is Pro-Cuts every couple weeks, and I’m good to go” the excited Bradshaw continued “Pro-Cuts is where it’s at, my man! Woooooooooo!”

Just then, a shiny red ball bounced in front Bradshaw and he promptly jumped up and chased it out of sight.

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Worst College Football Helmet list (Part II)

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (10-1)

 

Thanks, Western Carolina!  Catwoman now has a hat! 

 

 

That smartass doctor on MASH really made a stupid looking helmet

 

 

 

Thanks to Bowling Green, enroll in free checking and get tickets to the Marshall game so… That’s cool, huh?

 

 

 

Warrensburgh, MO Pop: 874.  Saaaaaaalute! 

 

 

 

Give them the bird!  In the spirit of the unbridled success of the Arizona Cardinals, these schools have decided to pick up the mantle and dawn the chopped off bird head on the helmet look.  Real scary, boys.  **Side note. Apparently in Kentucky, the birds have more teeth than the residents

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arkansas St.  Hillbillies in the Mist.

 

 

WY did they do this? 

 

 

 

 

 

That creepy Grimmace looking mascot should have told us enough. The Bean’s concern here is of this helmet may cloud your view of just how stupid this helmet is.  Maybe they are throwing the “play under review” flag.  Maybe it was dreamed up in WKU’s psychology dept as a way of subliminally telling the opponent that “we are aware of the rules and we further know that we can demand a review of any of the several touchdowns that you are about to score”.

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Time for TheSportsbean.com’s annual Worst College Football Helmet list! Weeeeeee!

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (11-20)

 

 

Don’t think FloJo designed these.  Very original, Nebraska.

 

 

 

 

 For more on Liberace and the University of Indiana please go to http://www.liberace.org/

 

 

 

 The Valley has gone to the cartoon dogs

 

   

EWWWWU!  All of the charm of the goofy Milwaukee Brewers “MB baseball glove” logo without Robin Yount.  Hey!  Eastern Washington!  You made top 20 list!  Oh, this list.  Nevermind.

 

 

 

 

 

  Nothing too fancy, boys

 

 

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that's the way it is, ya kid!

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Smurfs, rappers, and UNC.  Excellence.

 

   

 

These cupcakes brethe fire!

 

 

 

 

 

Zippity Doo Da

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