Category Archives: NFL

T.O. HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO INFORM MEDIA THAT THEY ARE NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO HIM

IRVING, TX – On Monday, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens assembled reporters and various media members to chastise them on the coverage, or lack thereof, he has been getting.

 

“I shouldn’t have to do this” started the obviously irritated Owens.  “It’s really kind of embarrassing that you all have put me in this position” said the 6-time All-Pro. 

“I shouldn’t have to do shirtless sit-ups in my driveway or stage a fake suicide attempt anymore…I mean, for real, my fake suicide attempt was way better than Vince Young’s, but has anyone mentioned that?”

Owens continued on with a 9-minute diatribe that went something like this: “Blah, blah, blah…me, me, me…blah, blah…look at me, look at me”.

 

He also condemned the media over the amount of exposure that new teammate Adam ‘Pac-Man’ Jones is receiving, saying that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones “promised” that Pac-Man wouldn’t take any publicity away from Owens.  “He promised!” pouted Owens with his arms folded and bottom lip stuck out.

 

Before stomping away Owens said that if this downturn in public attention continued that he would be forced to fire his press secretary and that it would be all our fault and he also muttered something about changing his name to Terrell Ocho Uno.

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AL DAVIS, RAIDERS SEARCHING FOR SUCCESSOR TO NEXT HEAD COACH

OAKLAND, CA — Speaking via telephone, Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis said now that former head coach Lane Kiffin is gone, he can focus on and looks forward to firing his replacement.

 

“The next man we bring in is going to have to be able to follow orders and do as he is told; like a good head coach should” stated Davis, ” He is going to have to understand that the direction he is being given is based more on senility rather than logic and sound thinking; and he will accept that implicitly.”

 

When asked if they were close to finding a replacement for Kiffin, Davis said ” We’ve got our eye on a couple of high school coaches in the bay area, as well as a soccer coach in Guatemala.”

 

Said Davis, ” Whomever it is, I look forward to bossing him around for the next 15 months or so before we have a ugly, bizarre, and very public separation.”

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CDC close to declaring Romo-mania an epidemic

DALLAS, TX — In a statement released Tuesday, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said the current outbreak of what doctors are calling “Romo-mania” is close to reaching epidemic proportions in the Dallas area. In the past few weeks, hospitals across the Dallas metroplex and north Texas have shown a 78 percent increase in emergency room visits from patients showing signs and symptoms of the new malady.

“Romo-mania is a particularly unusual mental and emotional illness that may or may not have psychosomatic affects on its victims,” stated CDC spokesman Dr. Arman Pantuso, “people under its control often aren’t thinking clearly and talk of fantasy-like beliefs. The victim’s speech is also affected; they speak slowly and with an intolerable twang, they may also feel compelled to consume inordinate amounts of Shiner Bock beer and wear anything with a big blue star on it.”

Dr. Elizabeth Hernandez, director of emergency medicine at Baylor Medical Center in north Dallas, has reported that many patients have experienced a condition not dissimilar to that of Turret’s Syndrome.

“Several victims have been uncontrollably and unconsciously blurting out things” Dr. Hernandez said “HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!” and “SUPER BOWL, BABY!” seem to be some of the more common phrases being uttered”.

Currently the CDC is taking steps to be sure the outbreak is contained and wants area denizens to not be alarmed. They also recommend that those in the north Texas area try to abstain from eating red meat and watching Dallas Cowboy football games for the next couple of months.

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Jimmy Johnson’s hair doesn’t Impress Terry Bradshaw

NEW YORK, NY – Fox television’s NFL analyst Terry Bradshaw admitted this week that his colleague’s obsession with his own well-manicured coif is becoming quite annoying. Former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson’s perfectly placed head of hair was a staple during the early ‘90’s as he was winning games and Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. Now it’s just a nuisance.

“That guy spends more time on his hair then most women” said the agitated Bradshaw. “He has this little homo hairdresser that runs out during every commercial break and sprays White Rain all over his head and then pets it like it’s a freakin’ lapdog.”

Johnson has been known to try to intimidate others with his hair, especially those who are folliclely challenged.

“I hear him bossing around other bald guys in the office, but his helmet hair doesn’t impress me” stated Bradshaw. “This guys got a whole team of hair stylists following him around 24/7, it unbelievable”.

“All I need is Pro-Cuts every couple weeks, and I’m good to go” the excited Bradshaw continued “Pro-Cuts is where it’s at, my man! Woooooooooo!”

Just then, a shiny red ball bounced in front Bradshaw and he promptly jumped up and chased it out of sight.

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Dallas cornerback’s “rainmaking” services requested in drought plagued Africa

Tunishu, Nigeria  —  The Tunishi Tribal council has solicited the help of Dallas Cowboy’s cornerback, Adam “PacMan” Jones to help solve the small tribe’s 20 year rain drought. The troubled cornerback (most recently in the news for incidents at a Las Vegas strip club which resulted in the death of a club bouncer and serious injury of another) is now in the news for potential philanthropic reasons. What caught the Tunishi’s interest in the story is Jones’ uncanny ability to make it rain on command. “We believe this Pac Man should bring his make rain skills to our village and put end to our curse of no rain” said tribe leader Ungawi Mooshoo. “Our children are starving for we have no fertile land to farm, If Pac Man can make it rain he should do so here”, he concluded.
Awaiting a response

Awaiting a response

The Tunishi are offering a onetime deal for Jones’ rain making services that includes a newly printed 1 trillion dollar bill ($1.20 US), a virgin, and a can of olives if he can successfully bring rain to the region. Jones’ agent Michael Huyghue told the Sporting News that they were a long way from finalizing a deal with the Tunishi and that everything to this point was all speculation. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell appeared reluctant to endorse the goodwill trip given Jones’ problems in the past. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea to turn Adam loose down there..god knows what he could get into” Goodell said, ” It’s one thing to volunteer your time at a Boys club, but having the fate of an entire tribe of people in your hands is a whole other issue”, he added. 

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Rest of the pile: Top 10 worst sports movies ever

 

10. Tagline from the DVD box: His stripes made him an outcast. His heart made him a hero. They forgot “his movie works better than Ambien. 

The box however does offer this warning… Starring: Frankie Muniz, David Spade, Steve Harvey, Snoop Dogg, Mandy Moore, Jeff Foxworthy, and Whoopi Goldberg

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9. Let’s be honest, this was about a guy in the mid west who hallucinated an entire baseball game and people thought it was romantic. If he had hallucinated anything else, he’d have been arrested.

 

 

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8. Again, the producers try to warn you with the cover art. _______________________________________________________________________________

7. Just look at this poster. Let this soak in. Did Bugs Bunny really need the money this badly? Here’s your tagline, Half cartoon, half live action, all crap. These were Spacejammed into Wal Mart’s $1.99 bin with more authority than 23 ever dunked a basketball. 

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6.  Inside a studio executive’s head in 1982: Kenny Rogers, sports movie. Kenny Rogers, sports movie. Kenny Rogers, sports movie… How come this hasn’t happened yet?

Ignored child labor laws and a creepy bearded dude that hangs around kids are not enough to save this movie. 

 

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5. Even Tide fans left this movie rooting for Auburn.

 

 

 

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4.  High School Musical (w/out the music) meets Cheetah Girls, meets crappy WB sitcom.

Actual tagline: Everybody has a secret… Duke wants Olivia who likes Sebastian who is really Viola whose brother is dating Monique so she hates Olivia who’s with Duke to make Sebastian jealous who is really Viola who’s crushing on Duke who thinks she’s a guy… This movie just makes the Bean angry!

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3.  Bean reader “Cody” suggested this one. Bean reader “Cody” was really just shooting fish in a barrel with this one.  This is really just piling on. 2 1/2 words… Lil’ Bow Wow.
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2. The Bean is still unclear why Hollywood hates monkeys so much. Here’s another example… Making one “act” with Matt LeBlanc. “You’re there to support the chimp. Just remember that, Joey.”

 

 

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1.  ANY movie that makes “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot” (with Estell Getty) not the worst Stallone movie deserves a place on this list.  Remember, Stallone made: Cobra, Judge Dread, Oscar, 

Best part of this movie?  Sammy Hagar’s song on the soundtrack. No, make that the closing credits. Let the Bean walk you through this movie’s premise.

Truck driver, Lincoln Hawk gets his kid from a military academy because his mother is dying. Not Stallone’s, his kid’s. Anyway… What turns into long story/longer… It’s the feel good arm wrestling movie of the year. 

 

 

 

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Bean’s List: 11-20 worst sports movies ever. (Monday, top 10)

The premise of this movie is that the kid breaks his arm only to have it come back stronger and better than ever.

 

Maybe we should try breaking the DVD a few times.

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8 Seconds… That’s exactly how long this lasted in my DVD player before I hit the eject button.   

Luke Perry finds out that working with 1200 pounds of angry beef is a whole lot easier than working with Shannon Doherty. 

 

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B-list actors playing B-list football players. Rob Schneider, Kathy Ireland, Sinbad, Jason Bateman, Scott Bakula… If you once had a hit TV show in the 1980’s, you had a spot in this movie. I think Gary Coleman and Alf had small cameos. How on Earth could this not be an instant classic?  

Any movie with Sinbad and that Huey Lewis-looking Quantum Leap dude is probably going to suck. Turns out, it did.

 

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If you can’t get a bunch of inner-city street thugs to respect a bumbling line screwing-up blonde from Laugh-In, who will they respect?   The Bean rented this DVD just for the deleted scenes.  Turns out black guys do love blondes. 

 

 

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Penny Hardaway, and the O’Neill brothers, (Shaquille and Ed)? No wonder the producers of Kazam were falling all over themselves to sign Shaq after this classic performance.  This movie is likely what made Nick Nolte hit the bottle. 

 

 

 

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You don’t have to wear the cardboard 3-D glasses to see how crappy this movie is.

The Bean realizes that this is not a sports movie. However any movie this horrible deserves to be on a bad movie list. Here’s the plot… After a Nantucket family endures two summers being terrorized by this fish, sheriff Brody’s sons decide to take a trip to Florida. What’s there waiting for them? The most grudge holding shark ever born. Good lord! You get the feeling that if they had gone to Omaha, Nebraska, this shark would have been behind the counter at the truckstop where they stopped for gas.

Alright. Back to the sports movies.

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Al Bundy’s second movie on the list.  Honey, I shrunk the budget.  Shot entirely in a small town, with B-list actors, Rick Moranis take a rag tag bunch of misfits to the championship game and beats the better team. The Bean loved this movie when they called it the Bad News Bears.

 

 

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Let me set the stage. Don Knotts (Barney Fife) coaches the NFL’s California ATOMS. Their star “player” is a soccer playing mule from Yugoslavia. Tom Bosley (Mr. Cunningham) and Tim Conway (uh, Tim Conway) then mulenaps GUS for a climatic scene just before the big game. Team owner Ed Asner (Lou Grant) loses his temper and yells at people alot while wearing those giant ties that he wore when he worked in Minnesota at that TV station.   

 

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I guess Hogan doesn’t know best. Hulk “Thunderlips” Hogan was such a big hit in his draw in Rocky III that he rode his on rhinestone encrusted capetails to movie stardom.   If the court really wanted to teach his kid a lesson, play this 24 hours a day in his cell.  He’ll never drive again. 

 

 

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Ex- QB and current FBI agent, Johnny Utah (Reeves) is sent undercover to foil a group of bank-robbing surfers headed by Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper before Hopper is able to put a bomb on a city bus and force Sandra Bullock to drive it to Indiana to blow up a high school boys basketball team, the same team Hackman and Hopper would be coaching against in the state finals.  

 Oh wait… Maybe that’s a different movie.

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