Minneapolis, MN – In an interview appearing Thursday in The Minneapolis Star Tribune, Minneapolis Vikings back-up quarterback Gus Frerotte said that he has known for quite some time that his mental abilities were far less than that of an average person. Frerotte, who’s teammates have nicknamed him “Corky”, may be best remembered for slamming his head into a concrete wall for a touchdown celebration; where he sustained a concussion and sprained neck, says he’s not sure if he’s been mentally retarded from birth or if it was brought on by a lifelong series of poor decisions.
“My dad used to work in home remodeling, and at night I would sneak out to his workshop and drink paint” said Frerotte, “and when I was 14, me and some of the other 4th graders would play this game where I’d hit myself in the head with a baseball bat really hard, and then they would all laugh.”
Frerotte says he began to be suspicious while in college at the University of Tulsa, where he set several weight-room records, but that the coach said the records wouldn’t count because Frerotte possessed what he called “retard-strength”.
“I know that my mental handicap may never let me be as good as a Tavarius Jackson, but if I keep trying, I know I can be a really good quarterback someday”.
BOSTON , MA – Former New Englsnd Patriot linebacker Ted Johnson says that besides forcing him to sustain concussion after concussion, head coach Bill Belichick has been sneaking into his house in the middle of the night and hiding his car keys. And that this is being done only to confuse and torment the already confused and tormented ex-All Pro.
“The other morning I couldn’t find my keys anywhere! Then my wife Sherry…or Susie… whatever her name is, says that my car is in the driveway idling and that I’m going to be late for therapy” stated the emotional Johnson, “I know he(Belichick) was behind it”.
Johnson says that in addition to the concussions and disappearing car keys, he also blames Belichick for his crystal meth habit, his having to repeat the 8th grade, twice, at least 7 of his 9 cavities, making him count the rasins in his cereal, and for breaking Eight Bells’s ankles during the Kentucky Derby which in turn caused Johnson to lose upwards of about $14,000.
“I woke up on the bathroom floor the other day with a bottle of Xanax in my hand, except all the Xanax was gone” said Johnson, on the brink of tears, “what kind of man sneaks into someone’s house and steals their Xanax while they’re sleeping? He’s a monster!”
Near the end of our interview, Johnson locked himself in the bathroom and began sobbing for 45 minutes before coming out in his underwear, saying that his clothes had been contaminated with Anthrax and that he was unable to locate his car keys.
From the Bean’s archives*
TAMPA, FL – When 19-year-old Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan Trey Whitten received Madden 2007 for his XBOX 360 in mid-September, the only thing he could think about was leading his team to the Super Bowl. With a seasoned gamer like Whitten behind the wireless controller, the Lombardi Trophy was only a dream season away.
After taking his beloved Bucs to an undefeated championship in just 3 short days, he knew the future only held great things for the actual Buccaneers.
“I was fired up. The Cadillac (running back Carnell Williams) was unstoppable, and our defense only gave up two touchdowns on the entire season, and that was on the All-Madden setting” said the disappointed Whitten.
But as the NFL season draws to a close, the 3 – 11 Buccaneers have been a bit less than “unstoppable”. Which came as a shock to many area gamers who had put their trust in the accuracy of the video game’s programming? Not that scores of Buc’s fans had hung their hopes on a video game, but certainly the power rating of 91 had Tampa Bay as one the forerunners for this seasons Super Bowl.
“I know nothing in life is for certain,” said area gamer DeShawn Fletcher “but there are some things you can count on, like the spin move, the hit stick, and the programmers getting each team’s power rating accurate”.
Despite the lofty expectations, the Buccaneers have struggled this season but sales for Madden 2007 have been terrific even though many fans feel they were misled.
Filed under Fans, NFL, Sports
NEW YORK – Wanting to cut down on the number of injuries suffered by its players each year, the National Football League plans on abolishing tackling by 2009. The NFL, which already has rules against horse collar tackles, helmet-to-helmet contact, spearing, tackling the quarterback below the knees, face-masking, leg-whipping, and making the throat-slashing gesture, believes this is the safest and surest way to prevent injury.
“This is a real step forward for us” said new NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, “just a natural progression of things to come.”
The only thing left now to decide is if they want to go to flag football, or just two-hand touch.
“Football is such a violent sport, I’m sure the owners are all with me on implementing this new policy that will protect their investment, and most importantly, keep our young athletes out of harms way” said Goodell.
Political activist and feminist Gloria Steinem stated that she thinks the idea is revolutionary and hopes it won’t be long before we see female professional football players on the same field as the males.
“This is wonderful,” exclaimed Steinem “I can’t wait see women out there scoring home runs with the men”.
In addition to Steinem, moms everywhere are celebrating the announcement.