Looking back, Coker says Naked Picture of Donna Shalala Didn’t Motivate Team Like He Thought It Would

CORAL GABLES, FL — Over the summer, former Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker found himself watching several hours of basic cable television each day. It was during one of the three hundred and forty two different airings of the hit comedy “Major League” that Coker had his revelation. Shalala, you've got me on my knees.

“I was sitting on my sofa, enjoying a delicious fruit smoothie from Orange Julius, thinking of ways to improve my team” recounted the personable yet unemployed Coker, “I thought to myself, if I put a life-sized cut-out of (Miami University president) Donna Shalala, in our locker room, and each week, if we won, we could peel away a layer of clothing, ultimately revealing Ms. Shalala in her birthday suit, that this would fire-up the boys making them want to go out and win games.” Which it didn’t.

Unfortunately, the cardboard likeness of Shalala had just the opposite effect. Many players stated that they had expressed to Coker the cut-out was making them feel uncomfortable and even ill on occasion, and some even suggested that if they won the game, layers of clothing could be put back on the already overexposed school president.

“Do you know how creepy it feels to have some half-naked old woman standing there, staring at you as you change your clothes?” asked the visibly shaken Hurricane quarterback Kyle Wright, “I do and all that cardboard cut-out did was make me revisit that horrible time in my life, each and every day.”

Others stated that the naked Shalala did indeed have on-the-field ramifications, just not quite how Coker had envisioned.

“I’d look up at the scoreboard and we would be ahead by two touchdowns,” remembered Miami lineman Antonio Reyes, “then I would imagine coach slowly peeling away another piece of clothing from that thing, all of the sudden, I became frightened.  I just didn’t feel like playing.  I’m not saying that I ever let a game get away on purpose but I sure didn’t do what I could to win it.”

“I just don”t get it” said Coker, “it worked so beautifully in the movie. I’m not sure what was missing”. 

One thing is for sure, the players haven’t be missing the naked Shalala in the locker room.

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Jimmy Johnson’s hair doesn’t Impress Terry Bradshaw

NEW YORK, NY – Fox television’s NFL analyst Terry Bradshaw admitted this week that his colleague’s obsession with his own well-manicured coif is becoming quite annoying. Former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson’s perfectly placed head of hair was a staple during the early ‘90’s as he was winning games and Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. Now it’s just a nuisance.

“That guy spends more time on his hair then most women” said the agitated Bradshaw. “He has this little homo hairdresser that runs out during every commercial break and sprays White Rain all over his head and then pets it like it’s a freakin’ lapdog.”

Johnson has been known to try to intimidate others with his hair, especially those who are folliclely challenged.

“I hear him bossing around other bald guys in the office, but his helmet hair doesn’t impress me” stated Bradshaw. “This guys got a whole team of hair stylists following him around 24/7, it unbelievable”.

“All I need is Pro-Cuts every couple weeks, and I’m good to go” the excited Bradshaw continued “Pro-Cuts is where it’s at, my man! Woooooooooo!”

Just then, a shiny red ball bounced in front Bradshaw and he promptly jumped up and chased it out of sight.

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Cuban Olympian confused, angry after defection to China

Ugás in the ring during the 2008 Olympics
Ugás in the ring during the 2008 Olympics

Cuban boxer, Youdenis Ugas’ plan to defect from Cuba hit a snag on Monday as he learned that he had defected to a country with a similar communist government to his native Cuba. 

After years of training in the boxing ring as a way out of Cuba, Ugas has now found himself making SpongeBob dolls for K-Mart in the central China city of Chongqing as a government worker.      

“This thing, it is a terrible thing”; replied Ugas from his work encampment.  “I train my whole life for this and now, I make the SpongeBob thing.  What is this SpongeBob?  It wears a tie but is a sponge?  I can’t believe this!  What kind of *** damn deal I have now?”

In a letter to the Spanish language newspaper, Juventud Rebelde (Havana), Ugas wrote that he had heard from Castro’s radio speeches as a kid that China was a great place and that they had a great government but after two weeks without tortillas, and with 16 hour work days, he’s rethought this and is ready to get home to his south Cuba hut. 

An unnamed Cuban Olympian tells ESPN Deportes that; “Youdenis was excited about getting out.  He said that it was his big chance… it was all very exciting.  He’s no idiot though.  He said if China isn’t the paradise Castro said it was, North Korea was just over a fence.  He’ll be fine.

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Worst College Football Helmet list (Part II)

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (10-1)

 

Thanks, Western Carolina!  Catwoman now has a hat! 

 

 

That smartass doctor on MASH really made a stupid looking helmet

 

 

 

Thanks to Bowling Green, enroll in free checking and get tickets to the Marshall game so… That’s cool, huh?

 

 

 

Warrensburgh, MO Pop: 874.  Saaaaaaalute! 

 

 

 

Give them the bird!  In the spirit of the unbridled success of the Arizona Cardinals, these schools have decided to pick up the mantle and dawn the chopped off bird head on the helmet look.  Real scary, boys.  **Side note. Apparently in Kentucky, the birds have more teeth than the residents

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arkansas St.  Hillbillies in the Mist.

 

 

WY did they do this? 

 

 

 

 

 

That creepy Grimmace looking mascot should have told us enough. The Bean’s concern here is of this helmet may cloud your view of just how stupid this helmet is.  Maybe they are throwing the “play under review” flag.  Maybe it was dreamed up in WKU’s psychology dept as a way of subliminally telling the opponent that “we are aware of the rules and we further know that we can demand a review of any of the several touchdowns that you are about to score”.

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Time for TheSportsbean.com’s annual Worst College Football Helmet list! Weeeeeee!

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (11-20)

 

 

Don’t think FloJo designed these.  Very original, Nebraska.

 

 

 

 

 For more on Liberace and the University of Indiana please go to http://www.liberace.org/

 

 

 

 The Valley has gone to the cartoon dogs

 

   

EWWWWU!  All of the charm of the goofy Milwaukee Brewers “MB baseball glove” logo without Robin Yount.  Hey!  Eastern Washington!  You made top 20 list!  Oh, this list.  Nevermind.

 

 

 

 

 

  Nothing too fancy, boys

 

 

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that's the way it is, ya kid!

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that

   

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Smurfs, rappers, and UNC.  Excellence.

 

   

 

These cupcakes brethe fire!

 

 

 

 

 

Zippity Doo Da

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Canadian Brothers Pissed That Fantasy Curling Is Canceled

London, ON –  Bob and Kyle McInnis are scrambling to find answers.  From anyone.  The London, Ontario brothers were among the dozens of recipients this week of emails informing them that their fantasy curling league will not be picked up again this year on Yahoo Sports. 

“I don’t understand this”, stated a distraught Kyle McInnis.  “I’ve already taken the money, had shirts made, and planned our draft at The Trax Bar.” 

An un-named spokesman at Yahoo Sports issued the following to theSportsbean:  “I honestly didn’t even know curling was a real sport.  I thought that was the name of the fat guy from the Three Stooges.  We ran an audit this spring and found out that there was a fantasy curling league.  None of us could believe it!  I asked around and nobody admitted to approving this.  I’m pretty sure it was Mike.  He says “aboot” and wears a Maple Leafs jersey on Fridays. 

“This is just great, added an equally annoyed Bob.  I had the first pick this year and got the third pick from Leonard because I let that slob use my fishing shanty last year.  I’m pretty pissed.”

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More in the series of college football traditions…

Today’s entry comes from The University of Colorado

Colorado’s Keeper of the Can is the most valuable member of the University of Colorado football staff he follows Ralphie with the big shovel. Thanks to him, the Buffaloes may play like sh*t, but they’ll never play in it.

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