Tag Archives: College Football


Knoxville, TN – Fans of the Tennessee Volunteers had plenty to celebrate Friday afternoon as Jonathan Crompton handed off to Montario Hardesty for an (eventual) touchdown in the 7th quarter of an

Give 'em six!  Finally.

Give 'em 6! Finally.

intrasquad scrimmage.  Hardesty, who fumbled into the endzone didn’t celebrate too quickly as Sr. offensive lineman, Anthony Parker picked up the ball and rumbled 30 yards in the other direction before several receivers and a graduate assistant brought him down.  The touchdown was however, called good as line judge/receiver’s coach Latrell Scott indicated touchdown.  

“This is a big deal”, stated a still out of breath Hardesty. “Look out Kentucky, baby!  We’re ready!  We got nothing to lose.  You know… nothing but another conference game next week”

After the practice, Tennessee head coach, Phillip Fulmer in the last year of his five year extension (signed last summer), was all smiles.  “These men are winners.  We proved that this afternoon.  This was our first team defense out there.  I told these boys that we were going to stay out here until we scored and score we finally did.” 

Tennessee, (1-5 in conference) will travel to Kentucky to face the Wildcats next Saturday. 

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Looking back, Coker says Naked Picture of Donna Shalala Didn’t Motivate Team Like He Thought It Would

CORAL GABLES, FL — Over the summer, former Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker found himself watching several hours of basic cable television each day. It was during one of the three hundred and forty two different airings of the hit comedy “Major League” that Coker had his revelation. Shalala, you've got me on my knees.

“I was sitting on my sofa, enjoying a delicious fruit smoothie from Orange Julius, thinking of ways to improve my team” recounted the personable yet unemployed Coker, “I thought to myself, if I put a life-sized cut-out of (Miami University president) Donna Shalala, in our locker room, and each week, if we won, we could peel away a layer of clothing, ultimately revealing Ms. Shalala in her birthday suit, that this would fire-up the boys making them want to go out and win games.” Which it didn’t.

Unfortunately, the cardboard likeness of Shalala had just the opposite effect. Many players stated that they had expressed to Coker the cut-out was making them feel uncomfortable and even ill on occasion, and some even suggested that if they won the game, layers of clothing could be put back on the already overexposed school president.

“Do you know how creepy it feels to have some half-naked old woman standing there, staring at you as you change your clothes?” asked the visibly shaken Hurricane quarterback Kyle Wright, “I do and all that cardboard cut-out did was make me revisit that horrible time in my life, each and every day.”

Others stated that the naked Shalala did indeed have on-the-field ramifications, just not quite how Coker had envisioned.

“I’d look up at the scoreboard and we would be ahead by two touchdowns,” remembered Miami lineman Antonio Reyes, “then I would imagine coach slowly peeling away another piece of clothing from that thing, all of the sudden, I became frightened.  I just didn’t feel like playing.  I’m not saying that I ever let a game get away on purpose but I sure didn’t do what I could to win it.”

“I just don”t get it” said Coker, “it worked so beautifully in the movie. I’m not sure what was missing”. 

One thing is for sure, the players haven’t be missing the naked Shalala in the locker room.


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Worst College Football Helmet list (Part II)

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (10-1)


Thanks, Western Carolina!  Catwoman now has a hat! 



That smartass doctor on MASH really made a stupid looking helmet




Thanks to Bowling Green, enroll in free checking and get tickets to the Marshall game so… That’s cool, huh?




Warrensburgh, MO Pop: 874.  Saaaaaaalute! 




Give them the bird!  In the spirit of the unbridled success of the Arizona Cardinals, these schools have decided to pick up the mantle and dawn the chopped off bird head on the helmet look.  Real scary, boys.  **Side note. Apparently in Kentucky, the birds have more teeth than the residents









Arkansas St.  Hillbillies in the Mist.



WY did they do this? 






That creepy Grimmace looking mascot should have told us enough. The Bean’s concern here is of this helmet may cloud your view of just how stupid this helmet is.  Maybe they are throwing the “play under review” flag.  Maybe it was dreamed up in WKU’s psychology dept as a way of subliminally telling the opponent that “we are aware of the rules and we further know that we can demand a review of any of the several touchdowns that you are about to score”.


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Time for TheSportsbean.com’s annual Worst College Football Helmet list! Weeeeeee!

Bean’s list: TSB’s top 20 worst helmet list (11-20)



Don’t think FloJo designed these.  Very original, Nebraska.





 For more on Liberace and the University of Indiana please go to http://www.liberace.org/




 The Valley has gone to the cartoon dogs



EWWWWU!  All of the charm of the goofy Milwaukee Brewers “MB baseball glove” logo without Robin Yount.  Hey!  Eastern Washington!  You made top 20 list!  Oh, this list.  Nevermind.






  Nothing too fancy, boys



Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that's the way it is, ya kid!

Joe Paterno (pictured) likes them and that















 Smurfs, rappers, and UNC.  Excellence.




These cupcakes brethe fire!






Zippity Doo Da


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More in the series of college football traditions…

Today’s entry comes from The University of Colorado

Colorado’s Keeper of the Can is the most valuable member of the University of Colorado football staff he follows Ralphie with the big shovel. Thanks to him, the Buffaloes may play like sh*t, but they’ll never play in it.

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In honor of that most glorious time of year, TheSportsbean is proud to announce its newest series…

A celebration of lesser known college football traditions

A Sportsbean series

The Ohio State University dots the “I” and the Razorbacks run through the “A” but few know about Penn State and the “Bearer of the White Socks.”
Every Friday before a home game at Happy Valley, a Penn State student is chosen to take coach Paterno to dinner at Hoss’s Steak and Sea Family Restaurant for his weekly 4:30 dinner, home for the 6:00 news, Wheel of Fortune, then most of a Matlock re-run.  When Paterno falls asleep in his recliner at 7:30, the lucky winner puts the coaching icon to bed and picks out the socks for tomorrow’s game from the hundreds of pairs available.  The following game day morning, the student then is greeted by an impatient Paterno at 4:30am for breakfast for the honor of putting the famous white socks onto the bare feet of the great Joe Pa.

 *editor’s note: TSB used “BCS” as a tag for this post knowing that this has very little to do with Penn St. However because PSU plays in a BCS conference we included it.

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BCS to simplify formula by drawing names from a hat

GREENSBORO, NC – Speaking via cell phone Monday morning, ACC commissioner and BCS chairman, John Swofford revealed that the Bowl Championship Series had come to a conclusion on a revolutionary new way to determine who would vie for the National Championship each year: the contenders would be drawn out of a hat.

“Many people have been complaining that the BCS and its computer-generated rankings are too convoluted and don’t always ensure the correct or premiere match-up for number 1” Swofford stated “We here at the Bowl Championship Series feel we have come up with a more precise way to determine the teams that will compete for a national title, and we feel it will be supported by every conference”.

When asked if a playoff system wouldn’t be a more viable option, Swofford replied, “A playoff isn’t really much of a solution; there are a lot of variables that it allows in, and a lot of good teams that may be left out. We’re confident that our new method will help reduce, if not eliminate, error from the equation and give all parties a fair and equal chance at success.  Of course, Notre Dame will have several names in the hat in order to ensure that they have the fairest chance of getting in the BCS mix. Honestly, we know people don’t want this decided on the field.”

With all 117 Division I-A schools eligible under the BCS’s new “formula”, it wouldn’t be unheard of to have a 2-10 UNLV squad going against a 1 -11 Temple team for the right to hoist the crystal football at the end of the season.

“Again, our new system has been put in place to bring about fairness, equality, and simplicity in college football, and we feel comfortable it will do so and hopefully put to rest the annual debate over the validity of the mind-boggling computer ratings”.

Developing… College presidents fighting over size, style, and color of hat used to draw teams


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Tomlinson, Urlacher Highlight USC’s Latest Recruiting Class

 From the ‘Bean’s archives

LOS ANGELES, CA – Wednesday was signing day for college football programs across the nation, and in what has become a yearly event, the University of Southern California brought the best haul as far as talent across the board.  Two of the more notable signees for Pete Carroll’s latest gold rush were San Diego ’s LaDanian Tomlinson and Chicago ’s Brian Urlacher.

“These two young men are a couple of the finest athletes at their position.  We feel very fortunate that they have decided to play football for the University of Southern California” said the always well-spoken Carroll.

In addition to the All-Pros, USC was able to land one of the nation’s best offensive linemen in New Orleans’ Jamaal Brown, as well as finishing strong and getting a late commitment from safety Sean Taylor out of Washington D.C.  Also, the Trojans signed some of the top high school players in the country.

When asked why they chose to play football for Southern Cal, both Tomlinson and Urlacher echoed the same sentiment, saying they wanted to go somewhere they knew they would compete against top talent and have an opportunity to win a championship each year. 

Despite the stellar recruiting job by Carroll and his staff, USC did miss out on one of the nation’s top QB prospects in Peyton Manning from Indianapolis.  Ultimately, Manning elected to stay closer to home and go with a team where he could step in and play immediately and not sit on the bench for 2 or 3 years.

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Fighting May Be Linked to Violence, Anger

Miami, FL — Following a lengthy study in the aftermath of the on-field “incident” involving football players from the University of Miami and Florida International University , school president Donna Shalala announced that, “Our study determined that there is a direct correlation between anger and violence, and violence and fighting. We must all accept responsibility, in that our desire to win has unduly influenced these young men to become violent while participating in athletics and we are today announcing steps to decrease the level of violence our student-athletes must exhibit.”
Some of the influences Shalala cited were the bold uniform colors (orange and green) which will be altered to the softer shades of Salmon and Sea-Foam Green, the “militaristic” school fight song that has been changed, the new fight song is a spirited version of “We Are the World”, and fiery pre-game speeches. “We have long passed the time when Knute Rockne speeches should be acceptable,” Shalala stated, “we must come to understand that to brain-wash these impressionable children to commit acts of violence against their fellow man is repugnant.”    
These new initiatives are also having an input in the current search for a new football coach.  The Sportsbean has learned that the university has hired Rainbow/PUSH Sports Partnership, L.P. to aid in the search. Some of the names under consideration include Gerry Faust, Bill Curry, Gary Gibbs, and Harry Belafonte.

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Virginia Tech coach Frank Beamer unhappy after being doused with bucket of urine

From the Bean’s archives*

BLACKSBURG, VA – Virginia Tech head coach Frank Beamer wasn’t pleased when players mistakenly grabbed the wrong bucket from the sideline, and dumped its contents over his head in jubilation, following last Saturday’s game.

“I wasn’t upset at first, but then I noticed how warm it was” said the agitated Beamer “I smelled my Beamer, after a VT victoryshirt, then I figured out what had happened”.

As with all Virginia Tech games, the team keeps an empty Gatorade bucket on the sideline for players and personnel to urinate into during the course of the game. But this was the first time this type of accident has occurred.

“It’s not uncommon for players to get a drink out of the wrong bucket, but this is the first time anyone has dumped it over coach Beamer’s head” stated equipment manager Donny Ray Johnston, “maybe I should start putting labels on them.”

Having the bucket of urine dumped over the coach has never really been an issue for the Hokies, given the school’s football tradition, but after Saturday’s incident, things may have to change. —thesportsbean.com

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