Tag Archives: Dallas Cowboys

T.O. HOLDS PRESS CONFERENCE TO INFORM MEDIA THAT THEY ARE NOT PAYING ENOUGH ATTENTION TO HIM

IRVING, TX – On Monday, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens assembled reporters and various media members to chastise them on the coverage, or lack thereof, he has been getting.

 

“I shouldn’t have to do this” started the obviously irritated Owens.  “It’s really kind of embarrassing that you all have put me in this position” said the 6-time All-Pro. 

“I shouldn’t have to do shirtless sit-ups in my driveway or stage a fake suicide attempt anymore…I mean, for real, my fake suicide attempt was way better than Vince Young’s, but has anyone mentioned that?”

Owens continued on with a 9-minute diatribe that went something like this: “Blah, blah, blah…me, me, me…blah, blah…look at me, look at me”.

 

He also condemned the media over the amount of exposure that new teammate Adam ‘Pac-Man’ Jones is receiving, saying that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones “promised” that Pac-Man wouldn’t take any publicity away from Owens.  “He promised!” pouted Owens with his arms folded and bottom lip stuck out.

 

Before stomping away Owens said that if this downturn in public attention continued that he would be forced to fire his press secretary and that it would be all our fault and he also muttered something about changing his name to Terrell Ocho Uno.

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CDC close to declaring Romo-mania an epidemic

DALLAS, TX — In a statement released Tuesday, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) said the current outbreak of what doctors are calling “Romo-mania” is close to reaching epidemic proportions in the Dallas area. In the past few weeks, hospitals across the Dallas metroplex and north Texas have shown a 78 percent increase in emergency room visits from patients showing signs and symptoms of the new malady.

“Romo-mania is a particularly unusual mental and emotional illness that may or may not have psychosomatic affects on its victims,” stated CDC spokesman Dr. Arman Pantuso, “people under its control often aren’t thinking clearly and talk of fantasy-like beliefs. The victim’s speech is also affected; they speak slowly and with an intolerable twang, they may also feel compelled to consume inordinate amounts of Shiner Bock beer and wear anything with a big blue star on it.”

Dr. Elizabeth Hernandez, director of emergency medicine at Baylor Medical Center in north Dallas, has reported that many patients have experienced a condition not dissimilar to that of Turret’s Syndrome.

“Several victims have been uncontrollably and unconsciously blurting out things” Dr. Hernandez said “HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!” and “SUPER BOWL, BABY!” seem to be some of the more common phrases being uttered”.

Currently the CDC is taking steps to be sure the outbreak is contained and wants area denizens to not be alarmed. They also recommend that those in the north Texas area try to abstain from eating red meat and watching Dallas Cowboy football games for the next couple of months.

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Jimmy Johnson’s hair doesn’t Impress Terry Bradshaw

NEW YORK, NY – Fox television’s NFL analyst Terry Bradshaw admitted this week that his colleague’s obsession with his own well-manicured coif is becoming quite annoying. Former NFL head coach Jimmy Johnson’s perfectly placed head of hair was a staple during the early ‘90’s as he was winning games and Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. Now it’s just a nuisance.

“That guy spends more time on his hair then most women” said the agitated Bradshaw. “He has this little homo hairdresser that runs out during every commercial break and sprays White Rain all over his head and then pets it like it’s a freakin’ lapdog.”

Johnson has been known to try to intimidate others with his hair, especially those who are folliclely challenged.

“I hear him bossing around other bald guys in the office, but his helmet hair doesn’t impress me” stated Bradshaw. “This guys got a whole team of hair stylists following him around 24/7, it unbelievable”.

“All I need is Pro-Cuts every couple weeks, and I’m good to go” the excited Bradshaw continued “Pro-Cuts is where it’s at, my man! Woooooooooo!”

Just then, a shiny red ball bounced in front Bradshaw and he promptly jumped up and chased it out of sight.

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Dallas cornerback’s “rainmaking” services requested in drought plagued Africa

Tunishu, Nigeria  —  The Tunishi Tribal council has solicited the help of Dallas Cowboy’s cornerback, Adam “PacMan” Jones to help solve the small tribe’s 20 year rain drought. The troubled cornerback (most recently in the news for incidents at a Las Vegas strip club which resulted in the death of a club bouncer and serious injury of another) is now in the news for potential philanthropic reasons. What caught the Tunishi’s interest in the story is Jones’ uncanny ability to make it rain on command. “We believe this Pac Man should bring his make rain skills to our village and put end to our curse of no rain” said tribe leader Ungawi Mooshoo. “Our children are starving for we have no fertile land to farm, If Pac Man can make it rain he should do so here”, he concluded.
Awaiting a response

Awaiting a response

The Tunishi are offering a onetime deal for Jones’ rain making services that includes a newly printed 1 trillion dollar bill ($1.20 US), a virgin, and a can of olives if he can successfully bring rain to the region. Jones’ agent Michael Huyghue told the Sporting News that they were a long way from finalizing a deal with the Tunishi and that everything to this point was all speculation. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell appeared reluctant to endorse the goodwill trip given Jones’ problems in the past. “I really don’t think it’s a good idea to turn Adam loose down there..god knows what he could get into” Goodell said, ” It’s one thing to volunteer your time at a Boys club, but having the fate of an entire tribe of people in your hands is a whole other issue”, he added. 

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