IRVING, TX – On Monday, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens assembled reporters and various media members to chastise them on the coverage, or lack thereof, he has been getting.
“I shouldn’t have to do this” started the obviously irritated Owens. “It’s really kind of embarrassing that you all have put me in this position” said the 6-time All-Pro.
“I shouldn’t have to do shirtless sit-ups in my driveway or stage a fake suicide attempt anymore…I mean, for real, my fake suicide attempt was way better than Vince Young’s, but has anyone mentioned that?”
Owens continued on with a 9-minute diatribe that went something like this: “Blah, blah, blah…me, me, me…blah, blah…look at me, look at me”.
He also condemned the media over the amount of exposure that new teammate Adam ‘Pac-Man’ Jones is receiving, saying that Cowboys owner Jerry Jones “promised” that Pac-Man wouldn’t take any publicity away from Owens. “He promised!” pouted Owens with his arms folded and bottom lip stuck out.
Before stomping away Owens said that if this downturn in public attention continued that he would be forced to fire his press secretary and that it would be all our fault and he also muttered something about changing his name to Terrell Ocho Uno.
Filed under football, Humor, NFL
Boca Raton, FL — Citing better food and less hastle in airports, Los Angeles Laker legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has seen the light a second time. In an exclusive interview with TheSportsbean.com, Jabbar (or “Goldie” as his friends call him) has made another life decision. He has put down the Koran and picked up a yarmulke with his new pursuit of Judaism. “I just wish I had done this before now, said a finally content Goldstein. “It stinks that my college career stats, my NBA stats and my homeowners association’s shuffleboard stats will all be under different names.”
- Goldstein in July 2008
Goldstein last changed his name after the 1971 NBA season to Jabbar from his previous Lew Alcindor claiming that his new name more closely identifies him with his new adherence to Islam. Goldstein’s new faith caused his latest change.
“I thought about converting to homosexuality like a lot of people in LA did in the 1980’s but then I started reading about what they have to do and thought, ‘good lord!’ that’s really selling out for your religion! I mean that’s really going all in. Mostly, I’m just glad to get to eat bacon again.” said Glodstein. When reminded that Jews don’t eat pork, an exasperated Goldstein threw his hands in the air and proclaimed; “Damn it! That’s was like half the reason I did it!”
The former Alcindor, who was raised Roman Catholic, feels confident that this will be his final conversion because quite simply, he is running out of religions.
Milwaukee, WI — From the opening statement of his press conference to the last question, Bob Uecker could not have been more contrite. “I don’t know if it was the money, the fame, rubbing elbows with a young John Madden, or just what it was but now I know it was destructive, I let it get out of hand and I’m sorry;” proclaimed Uecker. “I have always taken my craft seriously and I guess when the director yelled ‘action’ I don’t know, I just really believed it tasted great. I mean, I got really pissed every time I heard Billy Martin or Bubba Smith say ‘less filling’. In short, I lost 30 years of friendship with Rodney Dangerfield, that old guy, Hightower, all of them.”
Uecker talked for sometime about his time away from the glairing lights of the Miller Lite ads and more importantly what turned things around. “I remember being pulled off of the set of Mr. Belvedere after Chris (Belvedere) made a crack about my acting being ‘less filling’ and ‘not great’. I went nuts. It was only recently that I actually tasted the product that brought me so much fame and ultimately, loneliness. I just can’t believe that I lost friends over this crap. I mean, have any of you ever tasted this horse piss? I’d really like to apologize to anyone that ever bought this stuff because of me.”
The baseball “legend” ended the day with an open invitation to everyone that he ostracized over the years to come to his home and catch up on the lost time.
Filed under Fans, Humor, Sports