Tag Archives: miami hurricanes

Looking back, Coker says Naked Picture of Donna Shalala Didn’t Motivate Team Like He Thought It Would

CORAL GABLES, FL — Over the summer, former Miami Hurricanes head coach Larry Coker found himself watching several hours of basic cable television each day. It was during one of the three hundred and forty two different airings of the hit comedy “Major League” that Coker had his revelation. Shalala, you've got me on my knees.

“I was sitting on my sofa, enjoying a delicious fruit smoothie from Orange Julius, thinking of ways to improve my team” recounted the personable yet unemployed Coker, “I thought to myself, if I put a life-sized cut-out of (Miami University president) Donna Shalala, in our locker room, and each week, if we won, we could peel away a layer of clothing, ultimately revealing Ms. Shalala in her birthday suit, that this would fire-up the boys making them want to go out and win games.” Which it didn’t.

Unfortunately, the cardboard likeness of Shalala had just the opposite effect. Many players stated that they had expressed to Coker the cut-out was making them feel uncomfortable and even ill on occasion, and some even suggested that if they won the game, layers of clothing could be put back on the already overexposed school president.

“Do you know how creepy it feels to have some half-naked old woman standing there, staring at you as you change your clothes?” asked the visibly shaken Hurricane quarterback Kyle Wright, “I do and all that cardboard cut-out did was make me revisit that horrible time in my life, each and every day.”

Others stated that the naked Shalala did indeed have on-the-field ramifications, just not quite how Coker had envisioned.

“I’d look up at the scoreboard and we would be ahead by two touchdowns,” remembered Miami lineman Antonio Reyes, “then I would imagine coach slowly peeling away another piece of clothing from that thing, all of the sudden, I became frightened.  I just didn’t feel like playing.  I’m not saying that I ever let a game get away on purpose but I sure didn’t do what I could to win it.”

“I just don”t get it” said Coker, “it worked so beautifully in the movie. I’m not sure what was missing”. 

One thing is for sure, the players haven’t be missing the naked Shalala in the locker room.

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Continuing our college football tradition series

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On the Friday night before the last home game of each season, the University of Miami (FL) has George Mira come back and talk to the current players about what it’s like to be the only living, former Hurricane player to have a degree. Last year when he talked about being on stage and wearing his tassel, nine players and two assistant coaches tried to stuff dollar bills in his pants.

 

 

 

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Fighting May Be Linked to Violence, Anger

Miami, FL — Following a lengthy study in the aftermath of the on-field “incident” involving football players from the University of Miami and Florida International University , school president Donna Shalala announced that, “Our study determined that there is a direct correlation between anger and violence, and violence and fighting. We must all accept responsibility, in that our desire to win has unduly influenced these young men to become violent while participating in athletics and we are today announcing steps to decrease the level of violence our student-athletes must exhibit.”
 
Some of the influences Shalala cited were the bold uniform colors (orange and green) which will be altered to the softer shades of Salmon and Sea-Foam Green, the “militaristic” school fight song that has been changed, the new fight song is a spirited version of “We Are the World”, and fiery pre-game speeches. “We have long passed the time when Knute Rockne speeches should be acceptable,” Shalala stated, “we must come to understand that to brain-wash these impressionable children to commit acts of violence against their fellow man is repugnant.”    
 
These new initiatives are also having an input in the current search for a new football coach.  The Sportsbean has learned that the university has hired Rainbow/PUSH Sports Partnership, L.P. to aid in the search. Some of the names under consideration include Gerry Faust, Bill Curry, Gary Gibbs, and Harry Belafonte.

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