Tag Archives: NBA

Patrick Ewing files restraining order Against Jane Goodall

NEW YORK- On Wednesday, former New York Knicks All-Star Patrick Ewing filed for a restraining order against famed anthropologist and primatologist Jane Goodall. Ewing reported that Goodall has been stalking him for the past 6 weeks. Ewing said that he caught Goodall hiding in the bushes of his Connecticut home on Sunday, and that was the last straw. “I ran out back, waving my arms in the air Ewing in the Gardenand yelling” reported Ewing, “but she just averted eye contact and remained motionless”.

 

The ex-NBAer also reported that not only has she been at his residence, but that she has been following him around town as well. Said Ewing “I went to the Piggly Wiggly to grab a few things, and there she was, over in produce, squatted down beside the bananas, watching me and writing in her notebook”.  

Attempts to contact Goodall have been unsuccessful. Assistants at the Jane Goodall Institute for Wildlife Research stated that Dr. Goodall was away on a field study and wasn’t expected to return for a couple of weeks.

 

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Oklahoma’s only black family happy to see NBA in Oklahoma City

Imagine seeing others like you only on TV.  That is what one family in Oklahoma faced everyday until Seattle’s NBA franchise relocated to the Sooner State .  “I could not be happier”; said an almost breathless Laquita Millwood. “I like Debbie and Sonja at work and all but sometimes, man, it’s just hard to listen to their stories about their kids soccer games, Tupperware, and camping trips. 

Not all however, share her enthusiasm.  Oklahoma City Mayor, Mick Cornett expressed reserve in a recent city council meeting when he pointed out that 12 black men moving to town would cause a 400% increase in the black population and that the area may not be ready for such a dramatic shift in demographics.

Season tickets are on sale now.

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Kareem Abdul-Jabbar converts to Judaism, changes name to Stanley Goldstein

Boca Raton, FL — Citing better food and less hastle in airports, Los Angeles Laker legend, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has seen the light a second time.  In an exclusive interview with TheSportsbean.com, Jabbar (or “Goldie” as his friends call him) has made another life decision.  He has put down the Koran and picked up a yarmulke with his new pursuit of Judaism.  “I just wish I had done this before now, said a finally content Goldstein.  “It stinks that my college career stats, my NBA stats and my homeowners association’s shuffleboard stats will all be under different names.”

Goldstein in 2008
Goldstein in July 2008

Goldstein last changed his name after the 1971 NBA season to Jabbar from his previous Lew Alcindor claiming that his new name more closely identifies him with his new adherence to Islam.  Goldstein’s new faith caused his latest change. 

“I thought about converting to homosexuality like a lot of people in LA did in the 1980’s but then I started reading about what they have to do and thought, ‘good lord!’ that’s really selling out for your religion!  I mean that’s really going all in.  Mostly, I’m just glad to get to eat bacon again.” said Glodstein.  When reminded that Jews don’t eat pork, an exasperated Goldstein threw his hands in the air and proclaimed; “Damn it! That’s was like half the reason I did it!”

The former Alcindor, who was raised Roman Catholic, feels confident that this will be his final conversion because quite simply, he is running out of religions.

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